WASHINGTON — The Democratic Party is reportedly baffled by its historically low approval ratings, despite rolling out what insiders describe as their boldest, clearest, and most morally flexible strategy yet: automatic opposition to anything Donald Trump supports, likes, mentions, or accidentally nods at while drinking water.
According to party leadership, this approach was chosen after focus groups revealed that developing independent policy positions was “emotionally exhausting” and “dangerously close to agreeing with Trump on something.”
“We don’t need a platform,” said one anonymous strategist, furiously circling the word NO on a whiteboard labeled Ideas. “We just need a vibe. And that vibe is opposition.”
Losing the Argument Speedrun
Political analysts note that Democrats have achieved a rare feat in modern politics: picking the losing side of nearly every common-sense argument, on purpose, out of spite.
Border enforcement? Against it.
Lower crime? Sounds suspicious.
Energy independence? Basically a hate crime.
Parents having a say in schools? Absolutely not, what are they, parents?
“If Trump said oxygen was good, we’d be holding our breath in protest,” said one senior party official, moments before passing out at a press conference.
America Asks: “But… Why?”
Voters across the country have expressed confusion at the party’s recent messaging.
“I’m not even a Trump guy,” said one independent voter, “but every time there’s a basic, obvious issue, Democrats manage to take the position that sounds like it was written by a committee of contrarians who lost a bet.”
Polling confirms the sentiment. When asked why they oppose certain policies, Democratic spokespeople increasingly respond with variations of:
- “Because Trump.”
- “Because vibes.”
- “Because history will understand us.”
- “Because shut up.”
The Anti-Policy Policy
Party leadership insists this isn’t obstructionism — it’s principled resistance.
“Our values are very clear,” said a DNC communications director. “We believe in standing against things. What things? That depends entirely on what Trump said five minutes ago.”
Insiders confirm that the party has replaced traditional policy briefings with a new morning ritual known as Trump Monitoring Hour, where aides refresh social media feeds waiting to see what position they’re supposed to oppose that day.
One leaked memo reportedly reads:
Reminder: If Trump supports puppies, immediately issue statement condemning puppy-based authoritarianism.
Strategy or Spite?
Political historians say opposition parties typically offer alternative solutions. Democrats, however, appear to be testing a groundbreaking theory: that voters will eventually reward them for being mad enough.
“So far,” said one analyst, “the data suggests Americans prefer solutions over tantrums.”
Still, party leaders remain optimistic.
“We’re confident voters will eventually realize that being against Trump is a plan,” said another official. “We just need to explain it louder, angrier, and with more hashtags.”
Final Thoughts
At press time, Democrats were reportedly drafting a new slogan for the upcoming election cycle:
“We Stand For Nothing—But At Least It’s Not Trump.”
Early polling suggests it’s polling slightly below ‘Do You Have Anything Else?’ but well above ‘Please Stop.’
Political Party Animals will continue to monitor the situation — assuming Democrats don’t oppose that too.
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