ANNAPOLIS, MD — Maryland Green Party gubernatorial candidate Andy Ellis is reportedly in peak competitive condition, fully prepped, and emotionally vibrating while awaiting confirmation that he will be allowed to participate in the state’s first gubernatorial debate.
Ellis, a former debate champion and longtime debate coach, has allegedly been running mock debate rounds daily, sometimes hourly, in preparation for a debate that does not yet exist and may never include him.
Sources say Ellis has been spotted pacing, flowing imaginary opponents, and muttering phrases like “non-unique disadvantage” and “that doesn’t resolve the link” while Maryland’s major-party candidates continue campaigning under the assumption that debates are optional.
“He’s ready,” said one aide, gently backing away. “Too ready.”
Candidate Enters ‘Debate Mode’ Anytime Someone Asks a Question
Staffers report that Ellis now automatically assumes any interaction longer than 15 seconds is a debate.
“At first it was just interviews,” said a campaign volunteer. “Now if you ask how his day’s going, he wants to clarify your framework.”
Ellis has reportedly pre-written answers for every conceivable policy topic, plus several that have not come up in Maryland politics since 1987.
He has also prepared multiple rebuttals to arguments that have not yet been made, just in case.
“I just need five minutes,” Ellis said while aggressively highlighting a legal pad. “Give me five minutes and a neutral moderator.”
Campaign Quietly Unsure How to Explain Debate Rules to Maryland Politics
The Ellis campaign has been carefully managing expectations as debate season approaches, particularly around the possibility that Ellis may not be invited at all.
“This is delicate,” said one senior staffer. “We’re trying to explain that debates are less about ideas and more about poll thresholds, but he keeps asking where that is in the rules.”
Ellis reportedly believes that excluding a qualified candidate from a debate is “antithetical to democratic discourse,” a position insiders describe as “technically correct but emotionally devastating.”
Witnesses Say Ellis Has Been ‘Shadowboxing’ Hypothetical Opponents
Multiple reports indicate Ellis has been rehearsing debate responses alone in empty rooms, occasionally pausing to object to statements no one has made.
“At one point he yelled ‘That’s a non-answer!’ at a folding chair,” said a volunteer. “The chair did not recover.”
Campaign sources say Ellis has prepared opening statements, closing statements, and contingency statements in case another candidate attempts a pivot, dodge, or vibes-based answer.
He has also prepared a respectful smile for when none of it matters.
Major-Party Campaigns Reportedly Unconcerned
Meanwhile, representatives from the Democratic and Republican campaigns confirmed they are not worried.
“We’re not preparing for Ellis,” said one operative. “We’re preparing our facial expressions.”
When asked whether Ellis’s debate skills posed a threat, the operative laughed.
“Only if debates were binding,” they said.
Ellis Still Optimistic, Possibly Too Much So
Despite the uncertainty, Ellis remains confident that once debates begin, voters will see the contrast.
“All I’m asking for is a fair forum,” Ellis said. “Equal time, clear rules, and accountability.”
He then reportedly asked whether accountability polls well.
Debate Commission Confirms Nothing, Watches From Distance
At press time, debate organizers confirmed that invitations had not yet been finalized, adding that “historically, we prioritize candidates who already appear on lawn signs.”
Ellis responded by adding three new tabs to his binder.
Candidate Continues Warming Up Just in Case
As of Tuesday evening, Ellis was reportedly still rehearsing, fueled by coffee, spite, and the pure belief that logic should eventually be rewarded.
“He’s peaking at exactly the wrong time,” said one aide. “But if they let him on that stage? God help them.”
At press time, Ellis was seen whispering to himself:
“Time starts now.”
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