WASHINGTON, D.C. — Americans across the political spectrum came together Monday to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day the only way the modern republic knows how: by confidently announcing what Martin Luther King Jr. would think about 2026 politics, while loudly insisting everyone else is dangerously misquoting him.
By 8:03 a.m., the first “MLK Would’ve Been On Our Side” posts began appearing online. By 8:04 a.m., replies accused those posters of “violating the true spirit of King.” By 8:06 a.m., someone had already demanded a congressional hearing.
“This is a sacred day of unity,” said one cable-news panelist, moments before explaining that only her ideological coalition truly understands Dr. King’s vision, and that everyone else is either illiterate, evil, or both.
Conservatives Discover MLK Was Actually a Fox News Regular
Conservatives spent the morning circulating excerpts from King’s speeches—carefully selected to fit inside a tweet—arguing that MLK was clearly anti-riot, anti-chaos, anti-looting, anti-identity politics, and somehow deeply concerned about modern college campus administrators.
“Dr. King believed in law and order,” said one commentator, gesturing vaguely at a black-and-white photo of King being arrested. “If he were alive today, he’d be furious about protests, except for the ones we approve of.”
Several pundits cited King’s emphasis on character over skin color, before pivoting seamlessly into a ten-minute segment explaining why everyone should immediately stop talking about race, except when necessary to explain voting patterns.
“He wanted unity,” said another host. “Specifically, unity around our positions.”
Progressives Confirm MLK Would Support All Current Policies, No Exceptions
Progressives, meanwhile, announced that MLK would not only support every modern progressive policy, but would also be deeply offended that anyone even questioned this.
“MLK would absolutely back our entire platform,” said one activist. “Including the parts written last Tuesday.”
Any suggestion that King might have held nuanced views, complex religious beliefs, or critiques of both political parties was immediately dismissed as “ahistorical violence.”
“He marched for justice,” said another speaker, “which clearly means he would support our exact policy framework, our slogans, and our Instagram graphics—right down to the font.”
When confronted with King’s critiques of materialism, polarization, and moral absolutism, several activists nodded solemnly and explained that those quotes were “taken out of context by bad-faith actors,” before returning to social media to call half the country irredeemable.
Corporations Honor MLK at 9:01 a.m. Sharp
At precisely 9:01 a.m. Eastern Time, corporate America joined the conversation by releasing MLK Day emails that appeared to have been generated by a single master algorithm housed beneath a conference room table.
“Today, we pause to reflect,” read one email, identical to 400 others except for the logo. “We recommit to diversity, equity, inclusion, and a vague sense of moral correctness that does not require structural change.”
Employees reported receiving the email moments before a mandatory meeting reminding them not to discuss politics at work.
Several companies included a black-and-white photo of King next to a stock image of diverse coworkers laughing at salad. None announced changes to wages, working conditions, or executive compensation.
“We feel this honors his legacy,” said one HR executive, clicking “schedule send” and immediately leaving for a four-day weekend.
Media Panels Debate MLK Until Commercial Break
Cable news networks dedicated full-day coverage to panels titled “What Would MLK Say Today?” featuring six people yelling over one another while displaying quotes on screen without context or dates.
“No one knows what Dr. King would think,” said one guest, before spending the next seven minutes explaining exactly what Dr. King would think.
By early afternoon, at least three networks had declared that MLK would have voted for their preferred candidate, hated the other one, and definitely would have tweeted about it.
Scholars Attempt to Read MLK, Are Ignored
Meanwhile, historians and scholars attempted to contribute by pointing out that King’s writings were extensive, complicated, religiously grounded, and often uncomfortable for all sides.
Their comments were immediately ignored.
“Sorry,” replied the internet. “We’ve already decided.”
One academic noted that King criticized both political complacency and radicalism, warned against moral self-righteousness, and emphasized sacrifice over slogans.
The post received three likes and a reply accusing the professor of “centering nuance.”
A Perfect American Tradition
By evening, Americans had successfully completed the annual MLK Day ritual: honoring a man who called for moral courage, humility, and love by engaging in maximal certainty, selective memory, and ideological combat.
No one had listened much.
Everyone had quoted something.
And absolutely everyone was sure Dr. King would’ve agreed with them.
As the day concluded, the nation prepared to return to its regularly scheduled programming—having honored MLK not by grappling with his challenge to conscience, but by transforming him into the most popular political ventriloquist dummy in American history.
Experts confirmed the tradition will repeat next year, with even more confidence and even less reading.
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