ATLANTA — In a stunning display of journalistic flexibility, CNN has reassured viewers that a man who allegedly attempted to drive over police officers was, in fact, a peaceful migrant, and that his subsequent death during a police pursuit can be traced—through a complex series of metaphors, tone choices, and unnamed sources—directly back to Donald Trump.
According to CNN’s coverage, the incident began when police escalated the situation by existing too close to the migrant’s vehicle. The man then reportedly attempted to run over officers, which CNN described as “a misunderstood act of vehicular self-expression.”
“What we’re really seeing here,” explained one anchor gravely, “is how systemic forces can compel a peaceful individual to accelerate toward law enforcement.”
Headlines Do the Heavy Lifting
CNN’s chyron reportedly cycled through several carefully tested options before settling on:
“Migrant Dies After High-Speed Chase With Police Amid Lingering Trump-Era Policies”
Producers briefly considered “Police Intimidate Vehicle Until It Becomes a Weapon,” but felt it lacked emotional warmth.
Meanwhile, any mention of attempted vehicular homicide was placed deep into paragraph 17 of the online article, just after a reminder that Trump once used the word “law and order” in a sentence.
Context, But Only One Kind
The network was careful to provide important context, such as:
- The migrant’s favorite food
- The migrant’s dreams
- The migrant’s fear of loud noises
- A reminder that Trump exists
Less relevant details—like dashcam footage, police injuries, or the laws of physics—were deemed “controversial” and therefore excluded.
One analyst helpfully clarified:
“Yes, he tried to run them over, but we have to ask why the police were standing where his car was going.”
Experts Agree: It’s Complicated (But Also Very Simple)
A CNN panel of six commentators concluded unanimously that:
- The migrant was peaceful
- The police were aggressive
- The car was symbolic
- Borders are a social construct
- Trump is spiritually present at all crime scenes
One contributor added that if Trump had never run for office, the car would have simply slowed down, apologized, and asked the officers how their day was going.
Viewer Guidance Issued
CNN closed the segment by reminding viewers to remain calm, avoid independent thought, and trust that if a headline feels confusing, that’s because it’s nuanced.
At press time, CNN was reportedly preparing a follow-up piece titled:
“Why Attempted Vehicular Assault Is a Cry for Help—and How Republicans Made It Happen.”
Sources confirm the network is also developing a new explainer series: “Peaceful Until Proven Conservative.”
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