OMAHA, NE — After a spry 60-year tenure running one of the most successful companies in human history, Warren Buffett announced Monday that he is stepping down as CEO of Berkshire Hathaway at age 95, explaining that he’s “reached the minimum life experience required to serve in Congress.”

“Look, I’ve managed railroads, insurance giants, energy utilities, and approximately half the American economy,” Buffett told reporters while sipping a Cherry Coke and reading a 1974 annual report for fun. “At this point, the only logical next step is legislating.”

Buffett said he had delayed his political ambitions for decades because he “didn’t feel seasoned enough.”

“I mean, Congress is a serious institution,” he said. “You don’t just walk in there at 60 or 70 with a few ideas and a pension plan. You need time. Perspective. A body that creaks when you stand up.”

‘Too Young’ for Congress Until Now

According to Buffett, age 95 represents the sweet spot for federal office.

“At 80, you still remember passwords. That’s dangerous,” he explained. “At 90, you might accidentally introduce a bill that makes sense. Ninety-five? Perfect. You’ve forgotten just enough to fit right in.”

Sources close to Buffett say the decision came after he realized he could no longer relate to the youthful energy at Berkshire Hathaway.

“My employees kept talking about ‘the cloud,’” Buffett said. “I thought they meant weather. That’s when I knew it was time to govern.”

A Seamless Transition

Berkshire Hathaway’s board emphasized that the transition will be smooth, noting that Buffett has already trained his successor by leaving behind “clear instructions, three handwritten notes, and a stack of newspapers from 1987.”

In Congress, Buffett says he plans to bring fresh ideas, including:

• A balanced budget “just to see what happens”
• A 40-year holding period for legislation before repeal
• Mandatory compound-interest quizzes before voting on spending bills

Wall Street Reacts Calmly

Markets barely moved on the news, with analysts noting that Buffett leaving Berkshire Hathaway is “far less disruptive than Congress gaining someone who understands math.”

“This could really shake things up,” said one Capitol Hill aide. “He reads bills. Slowly, but still.”

Looking Ahead

Buffett says he’s excited for the pace of congressional life.

“I’m used to making one or two decisions a year and sticking with them for decades,” he said. “From what I understand, that makes me wildly overqualified.”

As he wrapped up the announcement, Buffett reassured investors, voters, and America at large.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m not here to change Congress. I’m just here because, at my age, it finally feels age-appropriate.”

At press time, several senators reportedly asked Buffett for investing advice, while simultaneously warning him that “things move very slowly around here,” to which he nodded approvingly.