According to insiders who may or may not exist and definitely shouldn’t be trusted, Maryland Democrats have unveiled a daring new political philosophy: If you can’t beat violent gangs, invite them out for happy hour.

At the center of this alleged fiesta is Chris Van Hollen, who—if you believe the internet, which you absolutely should not—has apparently traded constituent town halls for salt-rimmed glasses and a playlist labeled Narcos & Nachos.

Sources describe the scene as unmistakably Annapolis chic: exposed brick, trendy tacos, and a bipartisan spirit that asks, “Why let borders get in the way of a good margarita?”

Annapolis: Come for the Crabs, Stay for the Cartel Networking

This Thursday, the Maryland Senate is scheduled to hear two bills designed to make it harder for ICE to arrest criminal illegal aliens. Naturally, critics are asking the obvious question:

Why are Annapolis Democrats so committed to protecting murdering gang members instead of, say, actual Marylanders?

Democratic leadership insists this is a misunderstanding. They’re not protecting criminals—they’re merely creating a welcoming environment where no one feels judged, especially people with machetes and extensive rap sheets.

One aide reportedly explained the strategy this way:
“Look, violent gang members are people too. And people too enjoy margaritas. This is what compassion looks like.”

Progressive Priorities, One Tequila Shot at a Time

The alleged policy framework is simple:

• Citizens: fill out forms, wait in line, pay taxes, get ignored
• MS-13: no ID required, drink specials, legislative advocacy

Political analysts say this approach represents the next evolution of progressive governance—Restorative Justice Through Happy Hour.

Under the proposed logic, arrests are triggering, borders are problematic, and accountability is colonial. But a lime wedge? That’s universal.

Democrats Respond

When asked whether standing with gangs over citizens might be bad optics, one unnamed Democrat allegedly replied:

“Optics are a social construct.”

Another added,

“Besides, it’s not like they murdered our kids.”

Final Call

As Maryland families worry about crime, public safety, and whether their kids can walk home without becoming a statistic, Annapolis Democrats appear laser-focused on ensuring that ICE agents don’t interrupt anyone’s buzz.

If this really is the party’s direction, voters may want to ask themselves a simple question:

Do we want leaders who stand with citizens—or ones who shout “¡Otra ronda!” while the state burns?

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