RICHMOND, VA — In what aides described as a “bold, courageous, and extremely football-forward” move, Virginia’s new Democratic leadership wasted no time asserting control this week by immediately repealing Executive Order 47—despite minor concerns like public safety and law enforcement coordination.

The repeal came within hours of Democrats achieving full control in Richmond, prompting observers to marvel at the efficiency with which priorities were set: first football, then… whatever else fits on the clipboard.

When pressed for comment, Abigail Spanberger clarified the administration’s vision.

“Look, this is the only way we can improve recruiting for University of Virginia and Virginia Tech football,” Spanberger explained, gesturing toward a depth chart. “If we want to compete with James Madison University, tough choices have to be made.”

Stroke of a Pen, Fumble on the Field (of Public Safety)

By repealing EO 47, the administration directed local law enforcement agencies to stop cooperating with federal authorities—an approach officials described as “values-based,” “nuanced,” and “absolutely essential for NIL-era recruiting.”

Critics, meanwhile, noted that with a single signature, the Commonwealth had effectively made it easier for illegal immigrants who commit crimes to remain in Virginia—turning what used to be a coordinated enforcement system into something closer to an intramural league with optional rules.

State officials assured residents that fears were overblown.

“Crime is a complicated issue,” one anonymous staffer said. “Also, have you seen JMU’s secondary?”

Safety Optional, Saturdays Mandatory

Law enforcement groups warned that cutting off cooperation with federal agencies could have predictable consequences. Administration spokespeople countered that consequences are a “right-wing talking point” and that the true emergency is watching Virginia Tech struggle in the fourth quarter.

“Public safety is important,” another official added, “but so is keeping five-star recruits from transferring to Harrisonburg.”

‘No One Should Be Surprised’

Opponents of the repeal were less amused, warning that Virginians could face real harm as a result of what they called an “anti–public safety executive order.”

“Mark my words,” one critic said grimly. “There will be Virginians who are robbed, raped, or murdered as a result of this decision. No one should be surprised.”

Administration officials acknowledged the concern but emphasized perspective.

“Every policy has trade-offs,” said a senior advisor. “Sometimes that trade-off is safety. Sometimes it’s bowl eligibility.”

At press time, the governor’s office was reportedly drafting its next executive order—this one aimed at redefining ‘defense’ as a philosophical concept—while reminding Virginians that rebuilding takes time, but football season waits for no one.

Political Party Animals will continue monitoring developments as Richmond attempts to govern the Commonwealth like a recruiting weekend.