BERLIN — In what officials described as “a perfectly normal NATO contribution under modern European defense standards,” Germany confirmed this week that it has randomly selected a family of 13 to deploy to Greenland as part of a collective effort to deter a possible American invasion.

The family — whose names were not released, though officials confirmed they include two parents, eight children, a grandmother, a grandfather, and an emotionally support dachshund — was chosen through what the Defense Ministry called “a transparent, democratic process involving a lottery drum, a fax machine, and a surprisingly aggressive intern.”

“This is about burden-sharing,” said a spokesperson for the German government, standing in front of a PowerPoint slide titled Deterrence Through Vibes. “While some allies contribute aircraft carriers or missile systems, Germany contributes something far more powerful: a large, mildly confused family unit with strong opinions about recycling.”

NATO’s New Forward Defense Doctrine: Vibes, Layers, and Soup

Under the plan, the family will be stationed on Greenland’s eastern coast, where they will serve as a tripwire presence — a NATO term meaning “if anything happens to them, meetings will be scheduled immediately.”

According to briefing documents, their defensive responsibilities include:

• Politely discouraging U.S. Marines from landing
• Offering unsolicited lectures on international law
• Deploying a passive-aggressive banner reading “We Are Very Disappointed”
• Making lentil soup in quantities that “signal resolve”

NATO officials emphasized that the mission is purely defensive.

“No one expects them to stop an invasion,” said one alliance source. “But their presence creates paperwork. And paperwork is NATO’s strongest weapon.”

Why Greenland? Why Now?

The operation follows renewed American interest in Greenland, after several U.S. politicians once again asked aloud whether it could be “bought,” “leased,” or “Venmo’d.”

Although the idea has repeatedly been dismissed, NATO planners reportedly feared the U.S. might one day attempt a surprise annexation by confusing Greenland with a Costco parking lot.

“This is about prevention,” said the spokesperson. “If American troops arrive and see a German grandmother asking them why they didn’t call first, the element of surprise is gone.”

Training Complete After One Afternoon

The family reportedly completed its NATO readiness training in under four hours.

Highlights included:

• A 15-minute seminar titled ‘What Is Greenland?’
• A slideshow on how to look “strategically concerned”
• A warning not to antagonize polar bears unless absolutely necessary
• A waiver acknowledging that NATO Article 5 does not apply to frostbite

The youngest child was reportedly promoted to “Junior Arctic Liaison” after successfully assembling a flat-pack radar station using only an Allen key and quiet resentment.

U.S. Response: Confused but Open-Minded

Asked to respond, U.S. officials expressed surprise.

“We have no plans to invade Greenland,” said a Pentagon spokesperson. “But now that Germany has sent a family of 13, we do feel… judged.”

Sources inside the Pentagon admitted the deployment complicated things.

“You can’t just roll past a minivan flying a NATO flag,” one official said. “That’s how alliances unravel.”

Mission Duration: Indefinite, Like Most NATO Decisions

The family’s deployment is scheduled to last “as long as necessary,” which NATO clarified means anywhere from six months to 40 years.

When asked whether Germany might eventually rotate in a second family, officials said the option was on the table — pending budget approval, committee review, and whether anyone else answers their phone.

Until then, the family remains on watch in Greenland, bravely standing between North America and a diplomatic misunderstanding, armed only with thermals, EU regulations, and the quiet confidence that if something goes wrong, at least three emergency summits will be called about it.