WASHINGTON—In what aides are calling a “breakthrough in urban pest control,” President Donald Trump announced Friday that the nation’s capital will now officially be known as Trump–Washington, D.C., after he observed how quickly liberals evacuated the city when his name was attached to a single building.

The revelation reportedly came moments after the president reviewed footage of activists, artists, donors, and think-tank fellows sprinting away from the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts following its ceremonial rebrand as the Trump Kennedy Center.

“People were gone in minutes,” Trump said, gesturing to an aerial map now showing empty bike lanes and abandoned tote bags. “It was incredible. Like pulling a fire alarm at a vegan convention. I said, why stop at one building? Let’s do the whole city.”

A Name Change With Immediate Results

Within hours of the announcement, moving trucks clogged every outbound road, as longtime D.C. residents and politicians—many of whom had previously vowed they would “never leave”—suddenly discovered exciting new opportunities in Brooklyn, Portland, and “anywhere but here.”

Gone are the career Democratic politicians, legacy appointees, and permanent bureaucrats who’ve been marinating in it since the Clinton administration and somehow still have parking passes.

Real estate listings multiplied overnight. Yard signs reading “In This House We Believe…” were last seen floating down the Potomac.

According to White House officials, Trump was particularly impressed by how effective the strategy was compared to traditional “swamp draining” methods like ethics reform or congressional term limits.

“Those things take time,” Trump explained. “This? This took a nameplate and a Sharpie.”

“It turns out the swamp doesn’t resist reform,” one aide joked. “It just retires early when the vibes change.”

Cultural Institutions Enter Witness Protection

The Kennedy Center rebrand proved to be the tipping point. Performers reportedly canceled shows mid-rehearsal, orchestras fled during tuning, and a modern dance troupe was last seen attempting to escape through the gift shop.

One anonymous donor described the moment as “existential.”

“I could handle policy disagreements,” the donor said. “But Trump Kennedy Center? That’s psychological warfare.”

The Domino Effect

Inspired by the success, the administration is reportedly considering additional renames, including:

• Trump Mall (formerly the National Mall)
• The Department of Feelings (formerly the Department of Education)
• The Federal Bureau of Overreacting (formerly Twitter)

Early projections suggest the population of Trump–Washington, D.C. may soon consist entirely of lobbyists who forgot to update their mailing addresses, C-SPAN cameramen, and one confused intern from 2009.

“The Swamp Didn’t Drain. It Evaporated.”

Urban planners are stunned. Environmentalists are conflicted. Cable news panels are exhausted.

But Trump remains pleased.

“They said draining the swamp was impossible,” he said. “Turns out, you just put my name on it. The swamp packs up and leaves. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.”

By renaming the city itself, Trump allegedly forced a mass self-deportation of the old Democratic political class—the kind that hasn’t won a competitive election since flip phones were cool but still somehow controls six agencies and a podcast.

No investigations.
No commissions.
No ethics hearings.

Just one name change—and suddenly the swamp drained itself.

At press time, several remaining residents were reportedly still attempting to protest—though no one could hear them over the sound of U-Hauls heading north.