WASHINGTON — Standing on the steps of the U.S. Capitol and gazing lovingly into the middle distance like a man who just discovered incense and Twitter at the same time, Shri Thanedar unveiled what aides are calling a “visionary,” “transformative,” and “possibly edible” immigration proposal: making Immigration and Customs Enforcement disappear by sheer force of vibes.

Witnesses say Thanedar appeared unusually buoyant—emotionally, spiritually, and possibly aerodynamically—as he explained that ICE, rather than being reformed, debated, or legislated away, should instead “go poof.”

Not defunded.
Not restructured.
Just… poof.

“Have we tried asking it nicely to stop existing?” Thanedar reportedly asked, gesturing broadly at the sky as if expecting a glitter cloud to answer back.

The Plan (Such As It Is)

According to sources close to the congressman (and one very confused Capitol Police officer), the proposal has three main pillars:

1. Collective Manifestation – If enough people close their eyes and whisper “abolish ICE” during a full moon, federal agencies legally dissolve. This is apparently in the Constitution somewhere, probably near the penumbras.
2. Moral Evaporation – ICE agents will realize they are symbols, not people, and gently float away like embarrassed ghosts.
3. Emergency Crystals – Details forthcoming. Procurement already underway.

When pressed by reporters on enforcement, border security, or basic reality, Thanedar reassured the crowd:

“Look, man, laws are just… like… suggestions with better PR.”

Critics Ask Questions, Are Told to ‘Chill’

Republicans were quick to criticize the plan as unserious, unconstitutional, and “clearly written during a Hot Yoga retreat.”

Democrats were more measured, issuing statements like:

• “We support bold thinking.”
• “This is a conversation starter.”
• “Please stop tagging us in the video.”

Even progressive policy wonks struggled to keep up, frantically flipping through white papers to find the section on Agency Disappearance Through Good Energy.

Whiteboard Policy Hour

Sources inside Thanedar’s office say staff meetings have become increasingly abstract. One leaked photo shows a whiteboard reading:

• Border Security → Vibes
• Enforcement → Empathy
• Law → Optional
• Reality → Colonial Construct

An aide confirmed the congressman has been “workshopping the word poof” for several weeks, briefly considering alternatives like vanish, transcend, and go on a healing journey.

America Reacts

Voters nationwide responded predictably:

• Cable news panels argued whether “poof” counts as a policy verb.
• X (formerly Twitter) immediately split into three camps:
  1. “This is brave.”
  2. “This is insane.”
  3. “I, too, would like whatever he’s on.”
• ICE, reportedly still existing, declined to comment.

Closing Ceremony

As the press conference ended, Thanedar raised his hands, closed his eyes, and whispered:

“ICE… be gone.”

Nothing happened.

But supporters insist that change takes time—and possibly incense, chanting, and one more session on the Capitol steps.

Until then, America waits patiently for the day federal law enforcement can be defeated by good intentions, soft lighting, and a really strong contact high.