In a stunning blow to the athleisure industrial complex, white liberal women across America have reportedly abandoned yoga mats, SoulCycle bikes, and silent meditation retreats in favor of the hottest new fitness phenomenon of 2026: chasing cars driven by federal agents while rage-yelling unresolved entitlement directly into the wind.

Dubbed Rage Cardio™, the workout combines high-intensity sprinting, vocal cord strain, and emotional off-gassing previously reserved for HOA meetings and comment sections. Participants say the regimen delivers immediate results: elevated heart rate, flushed cheeks, and the euphoric release that comes from shouting “THIS IS FASCISM” at a Dodge Charger doing exactly 25 miles per hour.

“It’s so empowering,” said one participant between gasps, briefly pausing her pursuit to livestream. “I used to repress these feelings in therapy. Now I externalize them at men in windbreakers with badges. Same growth, fewer copays.”

How It Works

The workout is deceptively simple:

1. Spot the Target
   Identify a federally owned vehicle. Bonus points if it has tinted windows or a government plate. Extra burn if you think it’s federal but aren’t sure.
2. Activate Moral Outrage Core
   Begin yelling immediately. Specific phrases include:
   • “NAZI!”
   • “HOW DARE YOU!”
   • “I PAY YOUR SALARY!”
   • “THIS IS NOT WHO WE ARE!” (Optional: repeat without defining who we are.)
3. Sprint, Swerve, and Record
   Chase the vehicle while filming vertically. Maintain eye contact with your phone, not the street. Trust the process.
4. Conclude with Pepper Spray Cooldown
   Advanced practitioners report a “cleansing sting” that really opens the sinuses and the mind.

Fitness influencers have already begun promoting variations, including Hot ICE Pilates (stretching aggressively in front of vehicles) and CrossFit for Democracy, which involves blocking intersections while holding a sign you haven’t fully read.

The Mental Health Angle

Advocates insist Rage Cardio™ is about wellness. “This is trauma-informed exercise,” explained a self-certified activist coach. “Many of these women have been carrying the heavy burden of being told ‘no’ for the first time in their lives. Shouting at authority figures while running helps process that shock.”

Indeed, psychologists note the routine allows participants to finally vocalize long-suppressed frustrations such as:

• Being asked to wait their turn
• Being told laws apply universally
• Discovering that outrage is not, in fact, a legal defense

One practitioner described the experience as “like spin class, but instead of resistance knobs, it’s consequences.”

Corporate America Takes Notice

Athletic brands are racing to cash in. Early prototypes include:

• ICE-Ready Joggers™ (tear-resistant, livestream-optimized)
• Rage Bras™ (extra support for moral superiority)
• The Entitlement Tracker, a smartwatch feature that measures steps, decibels, and how many times you invoke your graduate degree while yelling

Peloton, meanwhile, is reportedly testing a new class called Run Toward Accountability, though insiders say it hasn’t tested well with the core demographic.

A Movement With Momentum

Critics argue the trend is dangerous, misguided, and legally ill-advised. Supporters counter that it’s “part of the conversation,” which they define as anything that happens while a camera is rolling and a slogan is shouted.

As one exhausted participant proudly posted after a 0.7-mile chase: “Didn’t catch the car. Didn’t change policy. But I did burn 412 calories and process a lot of feelings.”

In an age where self-care is political and politics is cardio, Rage Cardio™ may be the most honest fitness trend yet: all the sprinting of accountability, with none of the stopping to reflect.