In state capitols across the country this week, legislators gathered solemnly beneath marble domes, shook hands for the cameras, and swore—on everything from balanced budgets to commemorative coffee mugs—that there will be no new taxes or fees this year.

Moments later, they returned to committee rooms to finalize bills that would, coincidentally, tax the absolute hell out of everyone.

The pledge ceremonies were heartfelt. Governors smiled confidently at podiums flanked by flags and slogans like “Affordability First” and “Relief Is On the Way.” Lawmakers nodded gravely and reassured voters that they, too, are victims of high prices—just like you, except with better parking and per diem reimbursements.

“There will be no new taxes,” one governor announced, before clarifying that fees, assessments, surcharges, contributions, temporary revenue adjustments, and voluntary mandatory programs are not taxes, legally, spiritually, or emotionally.

The Magic Trick

What followed was a dazzling display of legislative sleight of hand.

A $0.03 increase per plastic bag? Environmental stewardship.
A $42 “administrative convenience charge” on your utility bill? Consumer protection.
A brand-new “Digital Infrastructure Resilience Assessment”? Innovation.

At no point, officials insisted, did any of this constitute a tax increase—despite residents noticing their wallets growing lighter in real time.

Economists call this phenomenon revenue diversification. Constituents call it what the hell happened to my paycheck?

Relief Is Coming (From the Problem We Created)

Having successfully raised the cost of living through dozens of non-tax taxes, governors then pivoted seamlessly to Phase Two: relief.

Standing in front of charts showing record tax revenues, executives proudly unveiled Relief Packages™ designed to help families cope with the high cost of living caused by—checks notes—the laws just passed.

“These relief measures are critical,” one governor said, unveiling a $150 rebate funded by the $3,200 per household increase in annual fees. “We understand people are struggling.”

The rebate, residents were told, would arrive sometime between soon and after the next election, assuming you filled out the correct forms, met twelve eligibility criteria, and did not accidentally earn $14 more than the cutoff.

No One Is Responsible, Everyone Is Brave

When asked why costs keep rising despite constant promises of affordability, lawmakers explained that the problem is complex.

Some blamed corporations.
Others blamed Washington.
Several blamed climate change.
One blamed “legacy structural challenges,” which appears to mean “stuff we did.”

What no one blamed—under any circumstances—were the bills they personally voted for last Tuesday.

A Proud Tradition

Veteran lawmakers defended the process as time-honored.

“This is how governing works,” one senior legislator explained. “We promise no tax hikes, raise revenue anyway, then celebrate ourselves for easing the pain we caused. It’s called leadership.”

Across the aisle, opponents agreed—while accusing the other party of doing the exact same thing, only more aggressively and with worse fonts on their press releases.

Coming Soon: No New Anything

Next session, lawmakers are expected to expand the strategy even further, pledging:

• No new regulations (just compliance frameworks)
• No new spending (just strategic investments)
• No new bureaucracy (just offices)

And, of course, no new taxes—just a robust ecosystem of creative charges designed to make you feel like you’re paying less while paying more.

Until then, residents are encouraged to remain calm, grateful, and patient, secure in the knowledge that their leaders are doing everything possible to help them survive the affordability crisis—right after they finish passing the next bill.