In a stunning turn of events that historians will likely call “a face-palm for the ages,” self-appointed protest sheriffs — colloquially known as the Kamikaze Karens — have taken their activism to new heights by strategically stalking immigration agents, loudly accusing them of being Nazis, racists, and “history’s worst brunch guests,” all before being pepper-sprayed into tears of both pain and… strange affection.

It started innocently enough: a Facebook group called “ICE Screamers United” (not to be confused with the ice cream parlor franchise) decided that quietly holding signs was so 2019. Instead, their new tactic was more kinetic: show up behind ICE agents as they went about their job and begin an operatic performance of shouting — elite crowd favorites included “NAZI FUHRER!” and “YOU’RE CANCELLED!” This, apparently, was to emotionally overwhelm the agents.

Security analysts were unprepared for what came next: pepper spray.

Not just any pepper spray — the kind that seems engineered by NASA for astronaut de-contamination. As soon as the Karens started chanting in unison (“THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE… TILL I GET PEPPER SPRAY IN MY EYES!”), ICE agents — trained in border enforcement and handling provocateurs — deployed said spray with surgical precision.

Here’s where it gets really strange.

Eyewitnesses report that several of the Karens, mid-pepper spray, experienced something resembling an emotional epiphany. One protester, later interviewed between sobs and Specsavers commercials, said:

“I came to protest… but now I think I honestly love them. Their uniforms are kind of hot, and their tactical belts? Chef’s kiss.”

— Karen #52, who has since updated her relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

Political psychologists (real ones, not the ones your aunt follows on TikTok) are calling it Post-Traumatic Protest Crush, a phenomenon previously observed only in bad teen movies.

Naturally, this has led to confusion in activist circles. One grassroots group complained that these new tactics were “not feminist, not inclusive, and too flirtatious.” There are now support groups forming for Karens trying to un-fall for the ICE agents they confronted.

Meanwhile, ICE agents have issued a statement clarifying that while they are trained to enforce immigration law, they are not trained to reciprocate romantic feelings born of chemical irritation and performative outrage. They also politely request that protesters not show up in lingerie — “especially tactical lingerie.”

Local officials are baffled.

Mayor: “We can’t tell if this is a protest, a flash mob, or the worst dating ritual ever conceived.”

City Council: “Please stop calling us for permits to bring pepper spray to marches.”

Petitions have been filed asking for a new holiday: National Day of Clarifying Feelings After Being Peppered.

At press time, one Karen was spotted handing a Valentine’s card to a bewildered agent that read:

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I screamed at you, and now I… kinda like you?”

Whether this will go down as a historical turning point or an internet meme is still up for debate — but one thing is clear: in the age of polarized politics, nothing is off the table. Not love, not protest, and certainly not pepper spray.