OTTAWA— Exhausted, emotionally bruised, and reportedly out of witty comebacks, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has allegedly begun crawling—literally—toward Beijing in a desperate bid to rebuild trade relations, citing “relentless playground-style teasing” from U.S. President Donald Trump as the final straw.

Witnesses say Carney was last seen inching across the tarmac at Ottawa International Airport, clutching a maple-leaf-emblazoned briefcase labeled “Please Be Nice To Us.” Inside: tariff spreadsheets, apology drafts, and a laminated card that reads, “Canada is very serious and not weird about this at all.”

“I Just Want One Adult Conversation”

According to senior Canadian officials, the prime minister’s decision followed another early-morning Truth Social post from Trump referring to Canada as “America’s hat,” “the 51st state in denial,” and “that polite guy who keeps borrowing sugar and never returns it.”

“Look, I tried,” Carney reportedly told aides while tightening knee pads. “I offered climate cooperation. I offered defense coordination. I even offered to stop apologizing for one full week. But he just keeps calling us ‘Snow Mexico.’”

Sources confirm Carney finally snapped after Trump referred to the Canadian economy as “a Groupon version of Europe.”

Beijing Welcomes the Crawl

Officials in China were reportedly delighted by the optics. State media praised Carney’s “humility-based diplomacy” and noted that crawling demonstrated “appropriate deference mixed with Western confusion.”

“Prime Minister Carney understands the symbolism,” said one Chinese trade official. “Standing is confrontational. Walking is arrogant. Crawling is… negotiable.”

China has allegedly offered Canada a generous trade package in exchange for soybeans, lithium, rare earths, and a written promise that Canadians will stop pretending they don’t like TikTok.

Trump Responds Immediately

Trump, upon hearing the news, wasted no time responding.

“Canada crawling to China? SAD!” Trump posted. “I never told him to crawl. I just said tariffs. Maybe he misunderstood. Happens with small countries.”

He later added, “If he wants to crawl somewhere, he should crawl back to the U.S. and say thank you.”

A New Era of Canadian Foreign Policy

Back in Ottawa, officials insist the crawl is temporary and “strategic.”

“This is not weakness,” said a spokesperson. “This is horizontal diplomacy.”

The Prime Minister’s Office also announced a new doctrine: Multilateralism, But Please Stop Yelling At Us.

As of press time, Carney had reportedly made it halfway across the Pacific, pausing only to issue a formal apology to a passing cargo ship for “being in the way.”

When asked whether he planned to stand up again once trade relations were restored, Carney sighed.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”