WASHINGTON — A growing number of Americans with ADHD and other neurodivergent conditions are reporting severe cognitive whiplash after attempting to attend what they believed were simple, single-issue anti-ICE protests—only to discover they had accidentally joined a roaming, multi-flag, multi-cause, emotionally contradictory carnival of outrage.

“I came to protest ICE,” said one exhausted attendee, clutching a half-folded sign that read Abolish Something??? “Within five minutes I was handed a Mexican flag, a Palestinian flag, and a handwritten flyer that said ‘Stay the f— out of Greenland and Venezuela.’ I don’t even know where Greenland is in relation to Venezuela. Are they fighting? Are we fighting? Are the whales involved?”

According to witnesses, the protests—initially advertised as focused opposition to immigration enforcement—quickly devolved into a rapid-fire PowerPoint presentation of grievances delivered exclusively through yelling, drum circles, and vibes.

A Million Issues, Zero Flowchart

Neurodivergent attendees say the protests violate basic accessibility principles, particularly the widely accepted ADA standard of Please Pick One Topic and Stick With It.

“Look, I have ADHD,” said another protester who asked to remain anonymous after briefly chanting ‘Save the Whales’ while standing in front of a bank that had just had its windows smashed. “I need a clear agenda. A bullet list. Maybe color-coding. Instead I was told we’re protesting ICE, capitalism, colonialism, fossil fuels, police, landlords, Elon Musk, and—somehow—the concept of time.”

Organizers reportedly offered no printed programs, no issue hierarchy, and no explanation for why one chant demanded “peace and unity” while the next involved aggressively flipping over a journalist’s camera and screaming about free speech.

Freedom of Speech, But Only Ours

Several journalists covering the protests reported being harassed, chased, or screamed at by demonstrators who, moments earlier, had been passionately advocating for freedom of expression.

“It was beautiful, really,” said one reporter. “They told me speech must be protected at all costs, then immediately tried to silence me with a megaphone and a milkshake.”

Others noted the philosophical flexibility on display.

“You’d see one group holding hands chanting about love and solidarity,” said a local shop owner. “Across the street, another group was breaking into cars for justice. I assume.”

Protest Accessibility Under Review

Advocacy groups for the neurodiverse are now calling for protest reforms, including:

• Clear signage explaining which issue is currently being protested
• A mandatory chant syllabus
• Quiet zones for people overwhelmed by simultaneous drumming, screaming, and moral absolutism
• A strict “no surprise geopolitics” rule

“Unexpectedly being dragged into a Greenland-Venezuela-whale-ICE hybrid protest is deeply dysregulating,” said one accessibility advocate. “You can’t just spring Greenland on people.”

Conclusion: Pick a Lane

As protests continue nationwide, many neurodivergent Americans say they support the right to protest—but respectfully request that future demonstrations be more cognitively navigable.

“I’m not against protesting,” said one attendee while slowly backing away from a flaming trash can labeled ‘Justice.’ “I just need to know what I’m mad about before I start yelling.”

Organizers, when reached for comment, responded by chanting three different slogans at once and sprinting in opposite directions.