“If I’m Next Anyway, Can I At Least Get a Window Seat?”

WASHINGTON — In a stunning development that no one asked for but everyone somehow predicted, President Donald Trump and Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem unveiled what they described as a “very selective, extremely legal, totally common-sense deportation strategy” aimed squarely at white liberal women who keep protesting that they’re next anyway.

According to officials, the policy was born not out of ideology, but out of exhaustion.

“They keep chanting ‘Deport me next,’” Trump told reporters. “Very dramatic. Very loud. A lot of posters. At some point, you have to respect consent.”

Kristi Noem clarified that the program—internally referred to as Operation Fine, You Go Then—is strictly voluntary, except for the part where it isn’t.

“If someone has attended 12 or more protests, owns at least three ‘This Is Not Normal’ tote bags, and has screamed ‘I’m literally shaking’ within earshot of federal property,” Noem said, “we feel it’s only humane to honor their lived experience.”

Screening Criteria Include:

• Protest attendance exceeding Pilates sessions
• Possession of at least one knitted pink hat “for resistance purposes”
• Use of the phrase ‘as a woman’ in unrelated conversations
• Claiming to be persecuted while standing next to a Starbucks

DHS officials stressed that no one would be deported to a dangerous country. Instead, participants would be sent to Canada-adjacent places that are ‘basically Europe if you squint,’ complete with artisanal bread, government healthcare pamphlets, and smug looks of moral superiority.

Protesters React With Mixed Emotions

Outside the White House, protesters immediately condemned the policy—while also asking about baggage limits.

“This is fascism,” said one woman, holding a sign that read FIRST THEY CAME FOR ME (AND I WAS READY). “But also, do they allow emotional support sourdough starters on the flight?”

Others worried the policy might not go far enough.

“I’ve been protesting since 2016 and I’m still here,” complained another demonstrator. “If this administration can’t even deport me, what kind of authoritarian regime is this?”

Trump Calls It a “Win-Win”

Trump later posted on Truth Social that the plan was “tremendous,” adding:

“They get their oppression. We get quieter streets. Nobody’s ever done empathy like this before.”

When asked if the policy might face legal challenges, Noem shrugged.

“They’ve been telling us they’re next for eight years. At some point, it becomes a binding statement.”

As buses idled nearby labeled “ONE-WAY—JUST LIKE YOUR OPINIONS,” protesters continued chanting, unsure whether they were resisting tyranny or boarding it.

Either way, officials confirmed one thing:

If you keep insisting you’re next, eventually the government might just say, “Okay.”