In a bold new effort to Make America Metabolically Confused Again, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has reportedly transformed SNAP benefits from a food assistance program into the nation’s most ambitious intermittent-fasting experiment.
After banning what aides describe as “basically everything that tastes good, looks familiar, or was invented after 1912,” SNAP recipients across the country are now discovering that their benefits can be redeemed for exactly three items:
- Organic dandelion stems (seasonal, theoretical)
- Unseasoned quinoa dust (sold out since Tuesday)
- A laminated USDA pamphlet titled Hunger Builds Character
Grocery stores are scrambling to keep up. Entire aisles once stocked with bread, milk, eggs, cereal, canned goods, frozen meals, and anything containing joy have been replaced with a single handwritten sign reading:
“SNAP-Eligible: Water (if you bring your own cup).”
The New Food Pyramid: Vibes at the Top, Calories Optional
Under the new rules, foods are evaluated not by nutrition, cost, or availability—but by whether RFK Jr. once read something alarming about them in a 2009 wellness newsletter.
Chicken? Too processed.
Rice? Glycemic betrayal.
Beans? Questionable origins.
Peanut butter? “Basically a chemical weapon.”
Meanwhile, SNAP recipients report wandering grocery stores like Victorian-era ghosts, holding EBT cards and whispering, “Is this allowed?” to confused teenage cashiers.
One beneficiary in Ohio described her weekly haul:
“I got two turnips and a sense of moral superiority. Still hungry, though.”
Officials Praise ‘Lean Outcomes’
Administration officials insist the policy is working exactly as intended.
“We’re seeing dramatic reductions in SNAP food purchases,” one spokesperson said proudly. “And technically, hunger rates drop if people stop eating altogether.”
Supporters argue that hunger is merely the body detoxing from Big Food propaganda. Critics argue it’s starvation. Moderates say it’s definitely not what SNAP was supposed to be.
Black Market Apples Emerge
Unintended consequences are already appearing. In several cities, underground food rings have formed, with whispered code phrases like “I know a guy with bread.”
Authorities have reportedly seized contraband items including:
- White rice
- Store-brand cereal
- A single frozen pizza (street value: $400 and a promise not to tell anyone)
Coming Soon: SNAP+
Insiders say the administration is considering a premium tier—SNAP+—which for an extra $9.99 a month allows beneficiaries to look at food that used to be legal.
Until then, millions are adjusting to life under America’s first government-mandated clean fast, where the shelves are empty, the rules are strict, and the hunger is apparently part of the wellness journey.
As one exhausted shopper put it while staring into a barren freezer case:
“I didn’t know food insecurity could be organic.”
Satire. But hey—check your grocery aisle.
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