WASHINGTON — In a bold display of priorities that critics are calling “extremely on-brand,” House Republicans opened the 2026 legislative session by tackling what they say is the most urgent crisis facing America today: disappointing showers.

With inflation lingering, global conflicts simmering, and healthcare costs rising, GOP leaders made it clear this week that nothing matters more than restoring the alpha male roar of America’s showerheads — preferably strong enough to knock loose both shampoo and lingering Biden-era regulations.

At the center of the effort is President Donald Trump, a man who has never hidden his deep emotional wounds from low-pressure water systems. Trump has long argued that modern showerheads are part of a vast regulatory conspiracy designed to make Americans “stand there for 45 minutes, just dripping, no power, no respect.”

“Showers used to mean something in this country,” Trump reportedly told aides, gesturing dramatically toward an imaginary faucet. “Now they’re just sad little government mists. Very unfair. Very weak.”

Make America’s Showers Great Again (MASGA)

The House GOP’s chosen legislative vehicle is the aptly named SHOWER Act — Saving Homeowners from Overregulation With Exceptional Rinsing — a bill so perfectly acronymed that aides confirmed it took longer to come up with the name than to draft the policy.

The bill would lock in Trump’s executive order allowing each nozzle in a multi-head shower system to blast water at up to 2.5 gallons per minute, freeing Americans to experience the kind of full-body aquatic assault previously reserved for luxury hotels, car washes, and fire hydrants.

Supporters insist this is about freedom.

“This is not about rich people showers,” said one Republican lawmaker while standing under a conceptual rainfall diagram. “This is about middle-class Americans who deserve to feel like they’re being interrogated by water.”

Democrats Ask: Is This Real Life?

Democrats, meanwhile, reacted with visible confusion, checking calendars to make sure it wasn’t April Fool’s Day.

“People are losing health coverage, housing is unaffordable, and we’re debating showerheads like it’s a Home Depot break room,” one lawmaker said, moments before being drowned out by chants of “LET THE WATER FLOW.”

Another Democrat described the debate as “inane and bizarre,” noting that it took place late at night, when most Americans were either asleep or already disappointed by their showers.

Online, critics mocked the GOP for focusing on what they dubbed “Trump’s Hair Infrastructure Plan,” while supporters fired back that strong water pressure is the backbone of Western civilization.

A Symbolic Victory, With Real Spray

Republicans don’t deny the bill is symbolic — they just argue that symbolism matters.

“This sends a message,” one GOP strategist explained. “Not to voters. To showerheads.”

And indeed, the bill is expected to pass quickly along party lines, marking an early win for Trump allies eager to prove loyalty not just to his policies, but to his personal grievances.

As one senior aide put it: “Anyone can back tax cuts. Only true believers fight Big Shower Regulation.”

Coming Soon: Faucets, Toilets, and the American Bidet Revival

Sources say the House GOP is already eyeing follow-up legislation, including a Freedom Flush Act, an Anti-Woke Faucet Initiative, and a resolution condemning motion-sensor sinks for “socialist behavior.”

For now, however, Republicans are savoring their victory — one powerful spray at a time.

Because in Washington, when the pressure is on, someone has to turn up the water.