In what officials insist is not an attempted purchase, annexation, or hostile takeover—just a very firm hover—the United States has once again placed Greenland into its online shopping cart, despite repeated warnings that the item is not for sale, not discounted, and not included with Prime shipping.

According to White House sources, President Trump merely “clicked around a bit” on Greenland’s strategic value page before accidentally selecting Buy Now (National Security Reasons).

“No one said we were buying Greenland,” a senior official clarified.
“We’re just… seeing what happens if we don’t unclick it.”

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Denmark Hits “Remove From Cart”

Greenland Remains in Cart Anyway

Denmark responded swiftly, issuing a formal statement reminding the United States that Greenland is:

• A territory
• Populated by actual people
• Covered by NATO
• Still not a Costco-sized island bundle

Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen reportedly attempted to remove Greenland from America’s cart no fewer than seven times, only to receive the error message:

“This item is required for missile defense. Please contact customer support.”

NATO customer support, however, remains on hold.

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Greenland Clarifies: “We Are Not a Promotional Item”

Greenland’s prime minister rejected what he called “fantasies of annexation,” “trial subscriptions,” and “limited-time Arctic offers.”

“We are not a popup ad,” he said.
“We are not ‘customers also bought Alaska.’”

Polls show that while many Greenlanders favor independence someday, joining the United States ranks just above ‘being sold in bulk’ and just below ‘becoming a parking lot.’

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NATO Issues Confused Statement

“Article 5 Does Not Cover ‘Oops’”

NATO released a carefully worded response clarifying that Article 5—the alliance’s mutual defense clause—does not apply to:

• Friendly acquisitions
• Strategic yoinks
• Accidental empire-building
• Clicking “accept all cookies” on another country

An internal memo reportedly asked:

“Is this an attack, a negotiation, or a very aggressive LinkedIn connection request?”

No one could answer.

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White House: “Nobody Would Fight Us Over It”

Administration officials insist there is no danger of escalation, noting that:

• Denmark is small
• Greenland is cold
• NATO is complicated
• And “nobody would fight us anyway”

This reassurance did little to calm allies, who expressed concern that U.S. foreign policy now resembles:

• A Black Friday sale
• A board game where rules are optional
• Or a man yelling “Mine!” at a map

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Russia and China Watching Quietly

(And Taking Notes)

Meanwhile, Russia and China were seen observing the situation in silence, nodding politely, and writing down phrases like:

• “Strategic necessity”
• “Historical precedent”
• “We already have a base there”

Experts warn that if the United States normalizes adding countries to its cart “just to see shipping costs,” others may soon follow.

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Checkout Status: Pending

For now, Greenland remains:

• Not purchased
• Not annexed
• Not liberated
• Still somehow in the cart

The White House has reportedly promised to “revisit the issue in 20 days,” or whenever the algorithm suggests “You may also like: Svalbard.”

Until then, Denmark keeps clicking Remove, Greenland keeps clicking No, NATO keeps buffering, and America keeps insisting it’s just browsing.

Political Party Animals will continue monitoring this situation—or at least refreshing the page to see if the cart empties itself.