WASHINGTON — In what aides described as “a perfectly normal sentence uttered during a perfectly normal conversation,” John Fetterman reportedly said he hopes to one day serve as Senator of Greenland—assuming, of course, the United States manages to purchase the massive Arctic territory first.

The remark, delivered with Fetterman’s trademark blend of hoodie-core sincerity and “I’m just saying” logic, instantly set Washington abuzz. Lawmakers scrambled to determine whether the Constitution allows for senators representing glaciers, polar bears, or particularly chill vibes.

“Look, if we buy Greenland, somebody’s gotta represent it,” Fetterman reportedly shrugged. “And I already dress for subzero temperatures. This is just a natural progression.”

A Platform Built on Ice

According to sources close to the senator, Fetterman’s hypothetical Greenland campaign would focus on key Arctic priorities, including:

• Universal Carhartt Access for all residents, including seals
• Infrastructure spending on igloos, ice roads, and “really sturdy freezers”
• Medicare for All, but like… colder
• Mandatory hoodie Fridays, extended to seven days a week

Political analysts noted that Fetterman’s brand—anti-suit, pro-sweatshirt, aggressively casual—plays extremely well in an environment where formalwear is already a parka.

“He’s basically dressed like Greenland already,” said one strategist. “The man looks like he was elected by a snowstorm.”

Constitutional Scholars Panic Quietly

Legal experts immediately began debating whether Greenland, if purchased, would be a state, a territory, or “just Alaska but with better PR.” Several admitted the Constitution is frustratingly vague on whether senators can represent places where the sun disappears for months at a time.

Others pointed out that Greenland’s population is smaller than a mid-size Philadelphia neighborhood, which Fetterman allegedly waved off.

“Perfect,” he said. “Less traffic. Fewer meetings.”

Bipartisan Confusion Ensues

Republicans were quick to condemn the idea, calling it “another example of coastal elites ignoring the heartland”—despite Greenland being neither coastal in the traditional sense nor warm enough to grow corn.

Democrats, meanwhile, praised Fetterman’s “bold vision,” while quietly Googling whether Greenland already belongs to someone else.

The White House declined to comment on the prospect of purchasing Greenland, though insiders confirmed someone had already labeled a manila folder “Greenland???” just in case.

A Campaign Slogan for the Ages

When asked what his Greenland campaign slogan might be, Fetterman didn’t hesitate.

“From Pittsburgh to the North Pole: Same Hoodie, Bigger Fridge.”

As of press time, Greenland had not responded to the senator’s ambitions, though several icebergs were observed drifting away slowly, as if trying to avoid being canvassed.