In a surprise press conference held behind three podiums and one conveniently placed fog machine, Tim Walz and Jacob Frey unveiled what aides called an “innovative transparency initiative” designed to distract absolutely everyone from… well… everything.
The plan, sources whisper, is simple:
- Hire paid protesters.
- Aim them in vaguely different directions.
- Light a few metaphorical fires (and maybe a literal dumpster or two).
- While everyone argues on social media, quietly misplace inconvenient documents into the nearest industrial-grade paper shredder labeled “Recycling.”
Officials insisted the protests are “100% organic”—grown locally, free-range, and sustainably funded through a mysterious budget line item called Community Engagement (Misc.).
“We are not paying anyone to riot,” said an unnamed spokesperson, carefully sliding a stack of prepaid debit cards back into a briefcase. “We’re merely supporting spontaneous outrage outcomes.”
Protesters on Demand™
Eyewitnesses report protesters arriving by rideshare in color-coded groups:
- Red Team: Chant whatever is trending.
- Blue Team: Counter-chant something confusing.
- Green Team: Hold signs with spelling errors to make it feel authentic.
One protester admitted, “I thought I was signing up for brand ambassadorship. Next thing I know, I’m yelling ‘Down with Something!’ and someone hands me a megaphone and a latte.”
The Evidence Bonfire
As crowds gathered downtown, City Hall staff were reportedly seen hosting what insiders called a “team-building exercise” involving bonfires, manila folders, and the phrase “Does anyone smell smoke, or is that accountability?”
An aide confirmed the event was not a cover-up. “It’s a closure ritual,” they explained. “Very healing. Very legal. Very normal.”
A Bold New Strategy
Political analysts are calling the move “chaotic neutral governance.” One expert noted, “If everyone is mad about everything all at once, no one notices anything specific. It’s like throwing glitter into a fan.”
Walz and Frey closed the briefing by urging calm, unity, and a reminder that any resemblance to corruption is purely coincidental and definitely the fault of misinformation, algorithms, or Wisconsin.
As of press time, Minneapolis officials announced a follow-up initiative titled “Peaceful Demonstrations (With Optional Sirens)”, scheduled conveniently for whenever the next records request is due.
This article is satire. Any resemblance to real events, policies, or bonfires of paperwork is purely coincidental… probably.
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