NEW YORK, NY — Housing activists confirmed this week that owning a home is no longer just a cornerstone of the American Dream, but has officially been upgraded to a high-capacity weapon of white supremacy, capable of inflicting generational wealth, stable neighborhoods, and suspiciously good school districts.

The revelation resurfaced after a top housing pick allied with New York socialist mayor Zohran Mamdani was reminded of an old social media post explaining that homeownership itself — not discriminatory policy, not historic redlining, but the act of owning a house — is a racist tool cleverly disguised as a mortgage.

“White people didn’t just accidentally end up with houses,” explained one activist while standing in front of a $2.3 million brownstone owned by a hedge fund. “They weaponized them. Every deed is basically a hate crime with a garage.”

According to experts, the danger begins the moment a white person receives keys. “Once the keys hit their palm, the transformation is complete,” said a housing theorist. “They immediately gain equity, a lawn they refuse to share, and an uncontrollable urge to oppose zoning changes.”

The report warns that features such as driveways, fences, and ‘No Soliciting’ signs are particularly aggressive tools of oppression. Detached single-family homes were singled out as “the AR-15s of capitalism,” while duplexes were described as “problematic but still learning.”

In response, city officials are proposing emergency measures, including:

• Mandatory land acknowledgments before entering your own home
• Equity buybacks to redistribute offensive square footage
• Replacing white picket fences with inclusive chain-link fencing
• Converting all basements into shared emotional processing spaces

Several white homeowners have already begun complying. “I listed my house immediately,” said one former homeowner. “I didn’t realize my 30-year fixed mortgage was perpetuating systemic harm. I thought I was just avoiding rent increases.”

Meanwhile, renters across the city expressed relief. “Finally, someone said it,” said a tenant paying $4,100 a month for a studio with ‘historic mold.’ “This totally explains why my landlord is evil but I’m morally pure.”

Critics argue that the theory ignores inconvenient details like non-white homeowners, immigrant families, and literally every culture that has ever valued shelter, but supporters insist those facts are “deeply colonial.”

At press time, activists were reportedly drafting a follow-up paper arguing that home insurance, home improvement, and knowing your neighbors’ names are also forms of white supremacy, while confirming that billionaires owning thousands of homes remain “complicated allies.”