In what insiders are calling the most unexpected development in municipal governance since the city tried to ban rancid pizza, Mayor Zohran Mamdani has unveiled a bold new campaign to ensure diversity, equity, and inclusion doesn’t stop at rent control — it extends right into the nosebleed section of MetLife Stadium.

At a press conference that felt part United Nations summit, part late-night infomercial, the mayor announced his administration would personally negotiate with FIFA to make sure New Yorkers can afford tickets to the 2026 World Cup, being played just across the Hudson River in New Jersey.

“We believe soccer shouldn’t only be for billionaires and resale sharks,” the mayor said, gesturing at reporters over 15-foot posters that read, “Game Over Greed.” Mamdani’s office has even launched a petition demanding fixed prices and a set-aside of discounted seats for local residents to ensure that everyone can attend the matches — even those who normally think “dynamic pricing” refers to their Wi-Fi signal. 

The administration has begun recruiting what it calls Ticket Fairness Officers — city employees tasked with educating the public on exactly how ticket pricing works, and reassuring them that yes, the mayor has “a plan” even if no one has figured out what it is yet.

When asked whether the city had any authority over FIFA’s global ticket markets, the mayor nodded confidently and replied, “We have moral authority. And a lot of energy.” Political analysts are still deciphering whether moral authority refers to a treaty, a new tax credit, or that clipboard someone saw Mamdani carrying into City Hall the other day.

Critics, meanwhile, are having a field day. One local blogger pointed out that New York City doesn’t actually host any World Cup games — they’re in New Jersey — but insiders say that conversation was politely ignored because logistics are oppressive. An anonymous council aide whispered, “We’re calling it the ‘Interstate Accessibility Challenge.’”

At a local bar, one fan summed up the mood: “So he’s going to fix World Cup tickets but can’t fix the subway? Bold strategy.” Another replied, “I just want a ticket under $500 and a train that arrives on time. Is that too much to ask?”

City Hall didn’t immediately respond when asked if the mayor was also considering interventions into dynamic pricing for Broadway shows, restaurant reservations, or Times Square selfie lines, but sources say a task force is expected any day now.

One thing is clear: in a city that’s seen its fair share of dramatic initiatives, New Yorkers may soon be debating not just tax policy and transit fares — but whether equitable seating charts belong in the platform of City Hall. If nothing else, at least the chants of “Tax the rich” now have someone to chant to — in a stadium seat that hopefully doesn’t cost more than rent.