ARLINGTON, TX (via East Rutherford, NJ) — The Dallas Cowboys officially ended their season Sunday night by turning MetLife Stadium into a federally recognized disaster zone, losing their finale to the New York Giants in a drubbing so thorough that it triggered seismic activity, several existential crises, and—briefly—the firing of Jerry Jones as owner of the franchise.

The Giants, long thought to be merely “present,” defeated Dallas by a score that analysts described as “unnecessary,” “rude,” and “borderline educational.” By halftime, the Cowboys trailed by so much that Fox briefly cut away to reruns of Cops out of mercy.

Jerry Jones Fired (By Jerry Jones)

In a stunning postgame development, Jerry Jones announced that he had fired himself as owner of the Cowboys, citing “a lack of accountability at the ownership position” and “the courage to make hard decisions, even if they are me.”

“I’ve spoken with the owner,” Jones said in a press conference held entirely in mirrors. “And frankly, he’s lost the locker room, the fan base, and several decades.”

Jones immediately reinstated himself minutes later, explaining that the interim ownership group—also Jerry Jones—“lacked vision.”

Players Enter Transfer Portal, Confused But Hopeful

Adding to the chaos, multiple Cowboys players confirmed they would be entering the college football transfer portal.

“I just think at this point, Alabama gives me a better shot at a ring,” said one veteran lineman who is 29 years old and has two kids. “Plus, I hear NIL deals cover therapy now.”

Another player reportedly asked if he could redshirt the entire 2026 season “emotionally.”

The NCAA declined to comment, but sources say Nick Saban briefly unretired just to say “absolutely not.”

Giants Celebrate, Unsure What To Do With This Feeling

For the New York Giants, the win marked a rare and confusing moment of joy. Fans celebrated cautiously at MetLife Stadium, frequently asking one another, “Is this allowed?” and “Do we storm the field or file paperwork first?”

Team officials confirmed the victory would be preserved in the Giants’ archives, right next to “That One Time We Looked Competent.”

Cowboys’ Dynasty Reclassified as a Podcast

With the loss, the Cowboys’ season officially joins a long tradition of being “next year’s problem.” ESPN immediately reclassified the franchise as “a content brand,” while Netflix announced a new documentary titled America’s Team: A Case Study in Vibes.

At press time, Jerry Jones was seen re-hiring himself, firing a coordinator, extending someone, and insisting—once again—that this is absolutely, definitely, 100% the year it all comes together.

Cowboys fans nodded politely, adjusted their jerseys, and began preparing emotionally for 2027.