BALTIMORE — Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson has reportedly reached a “crossroads,” according to a December 2025 opinion column by Mike Preston, a man who bravely asked the question America was too afraid to ask:

What if the real problem with the Baltimore Ravens is that their MVP quarterback owns electricity?

In the now-infamous column published by the Baltimore Sun, Preston alleged that head coach John Harbaugh has grown “tired” of Jackson — which, in Baltimore sports journalism, is just one step below “sources say he sighed once.”

The Evidence: Trust Me, Bro

Among the explosive claims:

• Jackson stays up late playing video games
• Jackson falls asleep in team meetings
• Harbaugh is fed up
• Jackson secretly dreams of Miami
• The Ravens should trade him immediately before he installs RGB lighting in the locker room

None of these claims were accompanied by evidence, corroboration, screenshots, or even a grainy Ring camera clip of Lamar yawning. But they felt right — and that’s what really matters.

Harbaugh Responds by Accidentally Coaching Reality

Harbaugh quickly dismissed the allegations, calling his relationship with Jackson “A-plus,” which analysts confirmed is higher than the grade given to most Ravens wide receivers in December.

He also rejected the idea that a franchise quarterback could routinely fall asleep in meetings without consequences, stating, “I wouldn’t allow that,” a shocking revelation suggesting NFL head coaches possess awareness.

Lamar Jackson Ruins Narrative by Being Awake

Jackson, meanwhile, committed the ultimate media sin: directly responding.

He called the claims “crazy,” noted he sits in the front row of meetings (a strategic anti-nap formation), denied staying up late gaming, and reiterated his desire to remain in Baltimore — statements that were immediately ignored so speculation could continue uninterrupted.

Sources later confirmed Jackson does own a PlayStation, which experts say places him in the same danger category as:

• 98% of NFL players
• 100% of journalists
• Several assistant coaches

Miami: The Default NFL Fantasy Destination

Preston also suggested Jackson “would love” to play for the Miami Dolphins, because all Florida-born athletes are contractually obligated by sports talk law to pine for warm weather and tax advantages at least once per fiscal year.

When asked if he wants to leave Baltimore, Jackson said no — a statement analysts quickly translated as “sources indicate yes.”

Anonymous Sources, Loud Vibes

No independent reporting has confirmed:

• Sleeping in meetings
• Late-night gaming marathons
• Harbaugh being “tired”
• Any actual trade talks

This has led some to speculate the column relied on anonymous sources, locker-room vibes, Mercury in retrograde, or a particularly rough Ravens loss followed by a deadline.

Others believe it was a classic blame-shift maneuver — because when a season goes sideways, it’s far easier to accuse your quarterback of narcolepsy than to admit football is chaotic and injuries exist.

Final Diagnosis

At press time:

• Lamar Jackson remains awake
• Harbaugh remains employed
• The Ravens remain intact
• Baltimore sports radio remains unwell

Experts predict the next column will allege Jackson blinked too slowly during film study, confirming his inevitable trade to Miami, Los Angeles, or whichever team last lost in prime time.

Until then, Ravens fans are advised to monitor their quarterback closely for signs of dangerous behavior — like smiling, gaming, or being alive after 10 p.m.