KENTFIELD, CA — Standing beneath a hand-blown Italian chandelier that costs more than the median home in Fresno, Gavin Newsom vowed this week to “fight like hell” against California’s proposed 2026 wealth tax — a measure he says would “drive away innovation, capital, and job creators.”

The announcement was delivered, naturally, from his newly acquired $9 million Kentfield mansion, where innovation and capital were spotted circling the infinity pool with artisanal mezcal cocktails.

The wealth tax proposal, which would apply retroactively to January 1, has Newsom deeply concerned — not about inequality or state revenue shortfalls, but about the emotional well-being of billionaires who might have to consider moving to Austin, Miami, or the Cayman Islands slightly sooner than planned.

“California cannot afford to scare off the people who make this state run,” Newsom said, pausing to let his sommelier refill his glass. “Especially not the people funding tonight’s dinner.”

Billionaires Flee… Right After Dessert

At the fundraiser, several tech executives were overheard expressing gratitude for the governor’s warning.

“Honestly, I was going to leave anyway,” said one hoodie-clad founder who asked to be identified only as ‘Disruptor-in-Residence.’ “But Gavin really sealed the deal. The retroactive part? That’s when I knew I had to protect my seventh liquidity event.”

Another guest reportedly clinked glasses and added:

“We love California values — just not when they show up on a balance sheet.”

Despite fears of a billionaire exodus, guests had no trouble finding the mansion, which features panoramic views, heated marble floors, and a driveway long enough to symbolize the state’s budget deficit.

A Mansion Built on Principles

The Kentfield property, aides confirmed, is not a contradiction — it’s a conversation starter.

“The governor believes in progressive values,” a spokesperson said, gesturing vaguely at a wine cellar stocked with bottles older than most state infrastructure projects. “He just also believes progress should be tax-optional for people with net worths beginning with a ‘B.’”

When asked whether opposing a wealth tax while hosting millionaire donors might appear hypocritical, the spokesperson scoffed.

“Hypocrisy implies inconsistency. This is consistency — he’s always been very clear about who he listens to.”

Middle Class Asked to ‘Understand the Nuance’

Meanwhile, Californians struggling with housing costs, gas prices, and a state deficit the size of a small nation were urged to appreciate the complexity of the issue.

“Look, we all have to tighten our belts,” Newsom said, adjusting his tailored suit. “But some belts are Italian leather and some are… metaphorical.”

The governor reiterated that California remains committed to equity — just not the kind that requires billionaires to write checks they didn’t already plan to deduct.

Closing Time at the Mansion

As the evening wrapped up, donors departed in silent electric vehicles, reassured that California would remain a welcoming place for wealth — especially the kind that attends fundraisers.

One departing guest summed up the night perfectly:

“Gavin really gets us. He knows you can’t fight inequality by making rich people uncomfortable.”

The wealth tax may still face voters in 2026. But for now, it’s clear: the resistance headquarters is well-funded, well-lit, and located behind a very expensive gate.