BALTIMORE, MD — In what legal scholars are already calling “record-setting judicial cardio,” a federal district judge in Maryland on Friday ordered Donald Trump to immediately release Venezuelan strongman Nicolás Maduro, despite the fact that Maduro had been captured only hours earlier during a dramatic U.S. military operation in Caracas.

The ruling reportedly came down so fast that Pentagon officials were still refreshing Signal messages labeled “Phase IV: What Do We Do With Him?” when the injunction arrived via PDF.

“While the Court understands the unusual circumstances surrounding the defendant’s apprehension—namely, that he is a sitting authoritarian leader seized during an active military operation on foreign soil—the Constitution is very clear,” the judge wrote. “No person shall be detained without first filing the appropriate motions in the District of Maryland, regardless of whether they were extracted from a bunker in Venezuela.”

A Dictator’s Due Process

According to sources, Maduro was still wearing a borrowed U.S. Army poncho and asking whether he could keep the helicopter when the ruling was issued.

The judge’s order cited concerns that Maduro’s detention could cause “irreparable harm to his democratic reputation,” noting that while Venezuela’s elections are “largely fictional,” procedural fairness must still be respected “when convenient.”

The court further instructed federal agents to “return Mr. Maduro to the precise geographic coordinates from which he was removed,” adding that transportation should be “humane, timely, and preferably first class.”

Trump Administration ‘Confused but Impressed’

White House officials said the administration was “surprised but legally obligated to respect the ruling,” though one senior aide admitted they were unclear how Maryland courts had jurisdiction over a dictator captured 2,200 miles away.

“We didn’t even know Maryland had opinions on Venezuela,” the aide said. “But here we are.”

President Trump reportedly asked whether the judge could also rule on “a few tariffs” and “maybe the Panama Canal, while we’re at it.”

Legal Precedent Expands Rapidly

The decision has already sparked a wave of emergency filings on behalf of other global figures.

Attorneys representing a North Korean general, a Russian oligarch, and “that guy who runs the internet in Iran” are reportedly preparing motions arguing that Maryland is now the preferred venue for international disputes, coups, and regime collapses.

The court, for its part, has announced it is standing by its reasoning.

“The rule of law knows no borders,” the judge said in a brief statement. “Except, of course, when it does.”

At press time, U.S. officials were reportedly negotiating how to comply with the order while also locating Venezuela on a Maryland zoning map.