WASHINGTON — In a surprise press conference held somewhere between a ribbon-cutting and a task force announcement, the Democratic Party proudly unveiled what insiders are calling its most ambitious innovation yet: a governing philosophy that converts every administrative failure into a “bold investment in equity.”
Under the plan, mistakes are no longer mistakes. They are learning opportunities with line items.
“Look, when money disappears, that doesn’t mean it’s gone,” said one senior official, gesturing toward a PowerPoint slide titled ‘Where Did the Funds Go?’ “It means the money has journeyed. Possibly to an NGO. Possibly to another NGO. Possibly to an NGO that audits NGOs.”
Critics have alleged widespread mismanagement in everything from pandemic aid to housing grants to programs that were launched, rebranded, relaunched, renamed, and then quietly sunset after the website domain expired. Democrats responded by announcing a bipartisan commission to study why commissions are so effective at announcing things.
The Boondoggle Economy
At the heart of the Democratic strategy is what aides call the Boondoggle Flywheel:
- Announce a crisis
- Allocate billions
- Discover “irregularities”
- Express deep concern
- Allocate billions more to investigate the first billions
“This isn’t corruption,” insisted a spokesperson. “It’s sustainability. Every problem creates jobs—mostly compliance officers, diversity consultants, and people who write reports no one reads.”
Indeed, the party argues that inefficiency is a feature, not a bug. A fully functional program might actually solve something, which would be fiscally irresponsible.
States of the Union (and the NGO)
From California to New York to places Democrats are shocked to learn exist in the Midwest, the same pattern allegedly repeats itself: federal dollars arrive, local administrators hold press conferences, and then—poof—accountability enters witness protection.
Asked why so many programs seem to vanish into a fog of subcontractors and acronyms, one lawmaker replied, “Have you seen acronyms? They’re very hard to track.”
The party has promised reforms, including stricter oversight, clearer reporting, and a new transparency portal that will go live just as soon as the vendor finishes Phase One of Phase Zero.
A Message to Voters
Democratic leaders insist voters should not focus on numbers, audits, or basic arithmetic. Instead, they encourage Americans to focus on intentions.
“Sure, the spreadsheet looks bad,” said one senator, “but the vibes were excellent.”
At press time, the party was reportedly drafting legislation to criminalize the phrase “follow the money,” replacing it with the more constructive slogan: “Trust the process. Also, the process needs more funding.”
Political analysts say Democrats remain confident going into the next election, banking on a simple message to voters:
“If you think this is bad, just wait until we fix it.”
Political Party Animals 