In what experts are calling “a miracle,” the global community awoke Thursday to the stunning news that it will not be required—emotionally, spiritually, or socially—to sit through Wicked at the Kennedy Center.

The reprieve came after Stephen Schwartz, composer of the long-running Broadway juggernaut, announced he was canceling a planned event at the Kennedy Center, citing “interference” from Donald Trump.

The cancellation has been met with widespread relief across multiple demographics, including husbands dragged to theater against their will, middle school boys on mandatory field trips, and anyone who has ever thought, “What if The Wizard of Oz had more feelings and fewer jokes?”

A Broadway Escape Hatch Opens

For years, Wicked has occupied a unique space in American culture: beloved by theater kids, feared by casual attendees, and inexplicably long. Clocking in at nearly three hours, the musical has been described by critics as “a bold reimagining of Oz” and by others as “a green woman singing about her feelings for an hour straight.”

The canceled Kennedy Center event would have forced unsuspecting patrons—many of whom thought they were just attending a “cultural evening”—to confront soaring ballads, aggressive jazz hands, and at least one number where someone sings directly at the ceiling.

Instead, thanks to political turmoil, the public has been spared.

“This is what bipartisanship looks like,” said one relieved D.C. resident. “I don’t care why it was canceled. I just know I don’t have to clap politely while wondering when intermission is.”

Trump’s Most Unexpected Cultural Impact

Sources close to the situation say Schwartz objected to what he viewed as Trump-related interference at the Kennedy Center, prompting him to pull the event entirely.

Political analysts were quick to note that this marks the first time Trump has been credited with reducing exposure to musical theater, a policy outcome that polls extremely well among swing voters and dads.

“This may be his most unifying achievement,” said one observer. “Nothing brings Americans together like not having to watch Wicked.”

The former president has not commented directly, though aides confirmed he was “unaware there was singing” and “deeply suspicious of flying monkeys.”

Theater Kids in Mourning

Reaction among theater enthusiasts has been less jubilant. Several drama majors were seen openly weeping, clutching Playbills and whispering, “It’s about misunderstood women,” to no one in particular.

“This was supposed to be a safe space,” said one devastated fan. “Now where am I supposed to loudly explain the plot to people who didn’t ask?”

Meanwhile, parents nationwide quietly removed the event from shared calendars, hoping their children wouldn’t notice.

A Rare Win for Humanity

In the end, the cancellation has left the nation asking difficult questions:
Was politics involved? Yes.
Was art affected? Probably.
Was the world spared from another public rendition of Defying Gravity? Absolutely.

As one relieved patron summed it up: “Whatever happened behind the scenes, all I know is this—we’re free. And that’s the most magical ending of all.”