In what conference officials are calling “an act of competitive violence,” Alabama Crimson Tide has been officially (and spiritually) removed from the Southeastern Conference following a nationally televised dismantling by the Indiana Hoosiers football in the Rose Bowl.

The score was so lopsided that scoreboard operators reportedly asked if they were allowed to invoke the mercy rule, a Geneva Convention clause, or a priest.

Indiana Wins, Immediately Becomes a Football Myth

Indiana—long dismissed as “a basketball school that accidentally owns shoulder pads”—played Alabama like they had receipts. Hoosier receivers roamed free. The offensive line moved people like furniture. The defense treated five-star recruits like unpaid interns.

By the fourth quarter, Alabama players were staring at the sideline with the hollow look usually reserved for men who just realized their dynasty ended on live television.

Nick Saban Forced to Leave Gameday Set, Reality Too Strong

Former Alabama emperor Nick Saban, now an ESPN analyst, attempted to maintain composure on College GameDay. That attempt lasted approximately 11 minutes.

Witnesses say Saban went silent after Indiana converted a fourth-and-long using a play that appeared to be “run directly at Alabama’s will to live.” Moments later, Saban removed his headset, whispered “that’s not sound,” and fled the set.

ESPN later confirmed Saban left because he was actively throwing up, reportedly triggered by Indiana executing perfect fundamentals without fear, apology, or SEC permission.

Indiana Responds Rationally: Builds a Statue Immediately

Within hours of the final whistle, Indiana University announced it had commissioned a statue of head coach Curt Cignetti, honoring what officials described as “our fierce, unemotional leader who does not blink.”

The statue will depict Cignetti standing stone-faced, arms crossed, eyes forward—unmoved by noise, rankings, history, or Alabama’s feelings. Early design notes confirm:

• No smile
• No celebration pose
• Just cold Midwestern inevitability

A university spokesperson explained:

“This wasn’t joy. This was purpose.”

The statue is expected to be installed before the postgame press conference ends.

SEC Issues Statement, Immediately Regrets It

The SEC briefly released a statement reading:

“After reviewing the Indiana–Alabama game, we have determined that Indiana is… checks notes …not supposed to do that.”

The statement was deleted moments later. Alabama’s locker room Wi-Fi was also reportedly shut off “for their own protection.”

Sources say Alabama will be allowed to reapply for SEC membership after completing:

• One road win north of the Mason-Dixon Line
• A full game without missed tackles
• A written apology to Indiana acknowledging it is, in fact, a state

Alabama Fans Explain Why This Doesn’t Count

Alabama fans immediately clarified online that:

• The Rose Bowl is too scenic to be legitimate
• Indiana had “nothing to lose,” which is unfair
• Nick Saban wasn’t coaching, which invalidates time itself
• This was basically a scrimmage that got out of hand

Meanwhile, Indiana fans calmly updated their bio to read:

“Football School.”

Final Whistle

As confetti fell and Alabama quietly Googled “conference realignment consequences,” one truth settled over college football:

Indiana didn’t just win a game.
They shattered a dynasty, upset Nick Saban’s stomach, and immortalized Curt Cignetti in bronze—unemotional, unblinking, undefeated in spirit.