WASHINGTON — In an astonishing new controversy that has shocked no one who’s ever been to a rehearsal, an unprecedented number of musicians have dropped out of Kennedy Center shows after the board added three extra words to the building’s name: “Donald J. Trump.”

Sources say the cancellations have left event calendars with wide open slots, including Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve, and literally any day ending in ‘Y.’

Jazz Band The Cookers — a group whose name suggests they might heat things up — announced they would no longer perform because somehow jazz’s 20th-century roots are deeply incompatible with alphabetical word arrangements chosen in 2025. “We were born from struggle and freedom,” the band said, “but also from the deeply held belief that certain words are unplayable.”

At press time, The Cookers were reportedly trying to rename their own instruments to remove any letters that might remind them of the new building name.

Folk Singer Kristy Lee, who once performed for squirrel weddings and backyard weddings indistinguishable from actual weddings, issued a heartfelt cancellation statement last week. “Sure, I’ll give up paychecks… but losing sleep over public signage is priceless,” Lee said. “Plus, my cat judged me when I practiced near that sign.”

One comedy highlight: Lee promised to livestream a solo concert from her living room, which is reportedly the most exclusive Kennedy Center performance ever.

Meanwhile, Doug Varone and Dancers — a group whose name unfortunately sounds like a brand of powdered gruel — said they “could no longer perform under these political circumstances,” and vowed to instead create interpretive dance pieces inspired by their emotions about buildings.

Kennedy Center interim president Richard Grenell — a figure with more titles than the Smithsonian has goats — responded by accusing these artists of “boycotting the arts to show support for the arts.” In related news, that sentence has officially entered the Oxford English Dictionary under “Impossible Things That Sound Legit.”

He added that performers who refuse to play at a mildly renamed building are suffering from what doctors have now classified as Performers’ Derangement Syndrome — a condition characterized by dramatic hand gestures and a refusal to play for indoor audiences whose façades contain letters you don’t like.

Adding to the surreal energy, one long-time jazz player was reportedly threatened with a $1 million lawsuit for canceling a gig — bringing an unexpected twist: musicians are now more afraid of free speech than of contractual penalties.

Still, many performers stand firm, arguing that building renamings are basically the same as identity theft for architecture, which, unsurprisingly, is now listed just below “plagiarism for statues” on the national disaster risk chart.

Asked whether any musicians are still playing, spokeswoman Roma Daravi clarified: “Yes, but only those who enjoy fun.” The rest are reportedly rebranding their sweatbands to only include letters unaffected by the new sign.

Final note: If the number of canceled shows keeps rising, rumors swirl that the Kennedy Center may open a drive-through modern art installation celebrating empty stages and offended musicians. Tickets go on sale just as soon as someone figures out pricing.