By the Editorial Kennel

In what was supposed to be a lighthearted, end-of-year tradition, Political Party Animals has officially scrapped its annual vote for Best Political Mascot, after a routine audit revealed that an astronomically suspicious number of online votes for the Democrats’ Donkey were being cast from IP addresses located in China, Russia, and Iran.

According to internal logs, the Donkey surged from a respectable third place to a commanding 97.4% of the vote sometime around 3:12 a.m. Eastern—right after a mysterious spike in traffic from what engineers described as “an abandoned soy sauce factory outside Shanghai” and “a Starbucks-adjacent cyber café in Moscow that definitely isn’t a front for anything.”

“We just couldn’t in good conscience crown a winner when the Donkey was getting votes like ‘Ivan_1984,’ ‘DefinitelyNotTheIRGC,’ and ‘XiLovesDonkeys2025,’” said one exhausted site moderator, gently rocking back and forth while whispering the words rate limiting.

The Audit That Ruined Christmas

What began as a cheerful contest between the Republican Elephant, the Democrat Donkey, and several third-party mascots nobody remembers quickly devolved into what cybersecurity experts are now calling ‘The Most Transparent Foreign Interference Since the Last Time.’

Among the red flags:

• 11.8 million votes submitted in under six minutes
• Ballots cast exclusively at times corresponding with Moscow business hours
• One IP address that literally self-identified as “totally_not_a_state_actor.ru”

Perhaps most concerning was the voting comment section, which filled with identical praise for the Donkey, including:

“This mascot truly represents the soul of America, fellow citizens.”
“As an American human, I love democracy and also this donkey.”
“Neigh to authoritarianism, bray for progress.”

Donkey Campaign Responds

Representatives for the Donkey campaign strongly denied any wrongdoing, insisting that the results merely reflected the animal’s global appeal.

“The Donkey is inclusive,” a campaign surrogate explained. “It transcends borders. It transcends nations. It transcends basic IP geolocation tools from 2009.”

When pressed on why an Iranian subnet submitted 400,000 votes in the name of “Midwest Soccer Moms for Donkeys,” the spokesperson accused critics of “animal-based xenophobia.”

Elephant Camp Demands Answers

Meanwhile, supporters of the Republican Elephant were less amused.

“Our elephant got votes from Americans, retirees, construction workers, and one guy named Chuck who still uses AOL,” one Elephant backer said. “We didn’t have state-sponsored enthusiasm.”

The Elephant campaign released its own statement calling for “free, fair, and domestically sourced mascot elections,” adding that it would accept defeat only if it lost to actual voters and not “a room full of government interns smashing the refresh key.”

Decision: No Winner, Only Questions

Ultimately, Political Party Animals announced that the vote would be nullified, citing “too much democracy from places that don’t have it.”

Instead of awarding a trophy, the site will reportedly issue a commemorative plaque reading:

“Mascot of the Year: Undecided
Because Apparently Everyone Everywhere Has Opinions About Our Donkey.”

Editors say the contest may return next year—with stricter safeguards, CAPTCHA tests, and a new rule barring votes from any IP address that also hosts a state propaganda ministry.

Until then, readers are encouraged to celebrate the holidays the old-fashioned way: arguing with relatives, distrusting the internet, and remembering that even mascot elections are apparently too important to be left alone.

Happy New Year from the zoo.