WASHINGTON — House Democrats announced this week they will hold a solemn, candlelit, extremely serious commemorative hearing on January 6, 2026, marking the fifth anniversary of what they continue to describe as The Darkest Day Since Every Other Darkest Day They’ve Ever Announced.

The hearing, scheduled to last exactly as long as the attention span of cable news, will once again revisit the events of January 6, 2021—when, according to Democrats, democracy was nearly toppled by a coordinated insurrection involving selfie sticks, Viking cosplay, and a surprising lack of firearms for what was allegedly a near-successful coup.

“This is not about politics,” said one Democratic aide while carefully arranging dramatic lighting, pre-selected emotional testimony, and a PowerPoint titled ‘Democracy Almost Died (Again)’. “This is about reminding Americans that if they don’t vote correctly, this could happen again—but worse.”

The commemorative hearing will feature familiar highlights, including:

• Grainy footage replayed at least 14 times from slightly different angles.
• Somber head-nodding from lawmakers who were not in the building that day but felt like they were.
• Expert witnesses explaining how a group of unarmed boomers nearly overthrew the most powerful government on Earth but were somehow stopped by velvet ropes and a Capitol Police officer pointing the way.

Sources say Democrats briefly considered calling it a “hearing,” a “memorial,” or a “spiritual cleansing,” before settling on all three at once.

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries emphasized the importance of “never forgetting,” adding that forgetting would be disastrous because January 6 remains the single most useful political event Democrats have had since Trump tweeted too much.

“Some people want to move on,” Jeffries said. “But we believe Americans deserve to relive this moment annually—preferably right before election season.”

Critics have questioned why Democrats are holding an unofficial hearing despite controlling neither the House agenda nor, apparently, the national mood. Democrats dismissed those concerns, noting that unofficial hearings are “the purest kind,” because no one can interrupt them with facts, cross-examination, or inconvenient context.

Republicans, for their part, responded with confusion.

“I thought we already did this,” said one GOP lawmaker. “Twice. Maybe three times. Or was that the documentary, the book tour, the Broadway adaptation, or the podcast?”

Indeed, insiders say Democrats are already planning follow-up programming, including:

• A traveling museum exhibit titled ‘Insurrection: The Musical’
• A children’s book explaining how democracy can only survive with mail-in ballots and MSNBC
• And a 2031 ten-year anniversary hearing, tentatively titled ‘We’re Still Talking About This’

Asked whether the party would ever retire January 6 as a political centerpiece, one senior Democrat laughed.

“Of course not,” they said. “What do you think this is—Benghazi?”

The hearing will conclude, as always, with lawmakers solemnly vowing to “protect democracy,” immediately followed by efforts to silence dissent, expand surveillance, and label half the country a threat to the republic—just to be safe.