As the year winds down and courts prepare to close for the holidays, family court professionals across the nation are rolling out what insiders are calling the most exciting sales event of the season: End-of-Year Litigation Specials.

Yes, while ordinary Americans hunt for discounts on televisions and air fryers, family court litigants are being encouraged to snag something far more festive—a $30,000 custody evaluation at a slightly less soul-crushing price.

Limited-Time Offers on Essential Services You Didn’t Ask For

According to several glossy invoices, the family court marketplace is booming with seasonal promotions:

• Guardian ad Litems offering “Buy One Recommendation, Get One Parent Ignored Free”
• Custody Evaluators advertising “Now With 10% Fewer Interviews, Same Life-Altering Conclusions”
• Mental Health Evaluators promoting bundled packages: Psych Eval + Personality Inventory + Permanent Labeling
• Expert Witnesses slashing rates for reports no one will read but everyone must pay for
• Attorneys offering festive flat-fee packages, complete with surprise add-ons and complimentary motion continuances

One brochure cheerfully noted:
“Prices increase January 1—lock in your trauma before the new billing cycle!”

Act Fast—Judicial Discretion Supplies Are Limited

Much like airline seats or concert tickets, these services are scarce—especially once the court decides you need them. Judges, eager to spread holiday cheer, are reportedly assigning evaluations at record pace, ensuring no family enters the new year without fresh debt and unresolved conflict.

“People think family court is about children,” said one anonymous professional while adjusting a luxury watch. “But really, it’s about quarterly revenue goals.”

Holiday Bundles for the Whole Family

Some evaluators are now offering Family Court Holiday Bundles, including:

• One custody evaluation
• Two emergency motions
• Three months of supervised visitation
• And a partridge in a pear-shaped psychological profile

All for the low, low price of ‘We’ll bill you later’.

Payment plans are available, though interest accrues faster than resentment.

Don’t Wait—Justice Isn’t Refundable

Experts warn that procrastinating could be costly. Once January arrives, rates reset, retainers rise, and the same services somehow cost more while delivering exactly the same outcomes.

So if you’ve ever dreamed of spending your child’s college fund on a single expert opinion that contradicts the last one, now is the time.

Because in family court, nothing says season’s greetings like a court-ordered invoice—and these deals won’t last forever.

After all, justice may be blind.
But billing departments never sleep.

Editor’s Note: Mention that you were referred by Political Party Animals for an extra special surprise discount.