In a bold new accessibility-forward initiative, Democratic leaders across the country are facing criticism for what aides are calling “a misunderstood wellness protocol” and critics are calling “closing your eyes and hoping the city behaves.”

The plan is simple: if you don’t see crime, it didn’t happen.

Over the past year, an increasing number of Democratic officials have begun navigating their communities with the assistance of service guide dogs and human walkers—not because of any diagnosed impairment, but, according to internal memos, because “visual exposure to reality has been shown to undermine policy narratives.”

One senior official, speaking anonymously while being gently guided around a boarded-up pharmacy, explained the logic.

“Look, perception is everything. If my eyes are closed, crime statistics are just vibes. And vibes can be managed.”

The program, unofficially dubbed Vision Zero (But For Vision), encourages leaders to keep their eyes shut during neighborhood walks, press tours, and public safety briefings. Guide dogs are trained not to alert to broken windows, stolen catalytic converters, or open-air drug markets—only crosswalks, curbs, and donors.

Human walkers, meanwhile, have a more delicate role: whispering reassuring affirmations such as “This used to be worse,” “That’s just a quality-of-life incident,” and the ever-popular “You’re doing amazing.”

Critics say the strategy is less about accessibility and more about willful blindness.

“If a CVS closes and no mayor sees it, does it still count as retail theft?” asked one exasperated city resident. “Because I saw it. And so did my empty prescription bottle.”

Supporters insist the approach is compassionate governance.

“Crime is a construct,” said one policy advisor. “Violence is often just misunderstood enthusiasm. When leaders stop looking at problems, problems tend to stop existing—at least on PowerPoint slides.”

Indeed, recent press releases proudly tout declining crime rates, achieved largely by redefining crimes as ‘unexpected urban interactions’ and encouraging officials to avoid eye contact with police blotters.

Guide dogs involved in the program have reportedly grown confused. One Labrador allegedly stopped mid-walk and refused to proceed past a shattered storefront, prompting an aide to scold it for “engaging in data-driven behavior.”

Another dog was reassigned after repeatedly trying to alert its handler to a carjacking.

“He just wouldn’t stop barking,” the handler said. “Frankly, it felt judgmental.”

Still, party leadership remains committed. A forthcoming training manual encourages elected officials to practice Strategic Squinting during hearings and Narrative Napping during crime briefings.

The conclusion is clear, officials say: if you didn’t see it, it must not have happened.

And if it did happen, well—your eyes were closed.

Which, according to the latest guidance, means democracy is working exactly as intended.