Baltimore, Chicago, Los Angeles — December 25

Local law enforcement agencies across several major U.S. cities are once again issuing an urgent holiday reminder: please stop shooting at Santa Claus.

Following multiple reports of gunfire directed at a red-suited individual traveling by sleigh, rooftop, and in at least one case “hovering suspiciously near a chimney,” officials in Baltimore, Chicago, and Los Angeles are pleading with residents to exercise restraint and basic seasonal decency.

“We understand tensions are high,” said a spokesperson for one metropolitan police department. “But Santa Claus is not a threat. He is not casing your home. He is not part of a rival crew. He is delivering presents.”

A Disturbing Holiday Trend

According to preliminary reports, Santa-related incidents have included:

• Shots fired after mistaking reindeer for “unregistered drones”
• Concerned residents reporting a “large unidentified man breaking and entering through chimneys”
• One caller insisting Santa was “definitely violating noise ordinances with those bells”

Ballistics experts confirmed that none of the bullets improved Christmas morning outcomes.

Law Enforcement Clarifies Identification Guidelines

Police departments released the following tips to help residents properly identify Santa Claus:

• Red suit, white beard, round physique
• Laughs “Ho Ho Ho,” not “Yo Yo Yo”
• Travels with reindeer, not stolen vehicles
• Leaves gifts, not shell casings

“If he’s carrying a sack of toys, you do not need to stand your ground,” officials emphasized.

Santa Responds

In a brief statement from the North Pole, Santa Claus expressed disappointment but understanding.

“I know it’s been a rough year,” Santa said. “But I’m literally here for the children. Milk and cookies are appreciated. Ammunition is not.”

Santa added that Rudolph is considering hazard pay and that several elves are requesting reassignment to quieter suburbs.

Final Reminder

Authorities stress that Christmas is a time for peace, goodwill, and not discharging firearms at mythical gift-givers.

Residents are encouraged to celebrate responsibly, secure their firearms, and remember: Santa Claus is not the enemy.

Further updates will be provided if Santa survives the remaining delivery routes.