WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House confirmed Tuesday that this year’s official Christmas tree prefers to be referred to as a “Non-Denominational Evergreen Experience,” following what aides described as “a thorough, respectful listening process.”

According to administration officials, the tree did not request the change outright but “signaled discomfort with binary holiday labels” during preliminary ornament consultations.

“We want Americans to know this is still a tree,” a spokesperson said. “It’s just no longer confined by the outdated expectations of December.”

Tree Lighting Rebranded as “Seasonal Illumination Moment”

The annual White House Christmas Tree Lighting has been quietly renamed the “Seasonal Illumination Moment,” after internal memos warned that the word Christmas could “privilege certain traditions over others with similar decorative aspirations.”

The tree itself will be lit using energy-efficient, emotionally affirming LEDs, which cycle through colors based on polling data, social sentiment analysis, and whichever cable news panel is angriest that evening.

Republicans Demand the Tree Say “Merry Christmas”

Democrats Ask the Tree How It Feels

Everyone Argues on Television

Conservative lawmakers accused the administration of surrendering to what they called “radical arboreal relativism.”

“This tree used to stand for something,” one lawmaker said. “Now it won’t even commit to being festive.”

Progressives countered that the outrage proves why the tree needed protection in the first place.

“No one is canceling Christmas,” another member explained. “We’re just asking it to share the stage with solstice vibes, winter feelings, and a strong HR policy.”

Tree Issues Statement, Immediately Walked Back

The tree briefly issued a statement via official channels reading:

“I am rooted in tradition, but growing toward inclusion.”

The statement was deleted within minutes after critics accused it of being too poetic, not poetic enough, and suspiciously written by a committee.

Americans Encouraged to Celebrate Freely (Within Guidelines)

The White House reassured the public that Americans remain free to say “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Holidays,” or nothing at all—provided it’s said calmly, respectfully, and without eye contact at family gatherings.

At press time, the tree remained standing silently, decorated tastefully, and blamed by both sides for everything.

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Political Party Animals — where even the Christmas tree needs a press secretary. 🎄