Journal of Scientific Hypotheses In Theoretical Environments (S.H.I.T.E.)

Department of Nutritional Psychopolitics & Beverage Studies

*Peer review conducted by two interns, a podcast producer, and a guy who once skimmed an abstract.

Abstract

This study explores the long-suspected—but never adequately mocked—relationship between extreme Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) and dietary patterns characterized by low animal-protein intake, high soy consumption, and frequent bubble tea exposure. Drawing from self-reported outrage metrics, grocery receipts, and Instagram Stories, we find a statistically dramatic (p ≈ “come on, obviously”) correlation between tofu-forward diets and heightened political hysteria, particularly when paired with tapioca pearls.

Introduction

While prior research has examined political polarization through media consumption and social identity, little attention has been paid to nutritional inputs—specifically foods that look like politics when you squint at them.

Anecdotal field reports suggested that individuals exhibiting advanced TDS—defined here as the inability to go 12 minutes without mentioning Donald Trump regardless of topic—were disproportionately observed:

• Ordering soy-based entrees “for ethical reasons”
• Posting bubble tea photos with captions like “self-care”
• Reacting to meat grills as if they were political rallies

This study sought to formalize those observations with the seriousness they clearly deserve.

Methodology

Sample Size: 742 participants recruited from urban co-ops, pop-up protests, and one line outside a fusion tea café.

Data Collection Tools:

• Macronutrient logs (verified by passive-aggressive restaurant substitutions)
• Political Reaction Index (PRI), measured by involuntary eye-rolling per hour
• Bubble Tea Frequency Scale (BTFS), ranging from “occasionally” to “this is my personality now”

Participants were stratified into three diet groups:

• High Meat / Low Bubble Tea
• Mixed Diet / Occasional Boba
• Soy-Dominant / Bubble Tea Intensive

Results

The findings were impossible to ignore and therefore loudly presented:

• Soy-Dominant participants demonstrated a 312% increase in spontaneous political monologues during unrelated conversations (e.g., weather, pets, elevators).
• Bubble tea consumption above 4 servings/week correlated with:
  • Increased use of phrases like “unpack that”
  • Belief that milk alternatives are a moral position
  • Heightened sensitivity to red baseball caps, regardless of context
• High animal-protein consumers showed:
  • Lower outrage volatility
  • Higher likelihood of saying “I don’t care anymore”
  • Greater ability to grill meat without referencing fascism

A regression model indicated that bubble tea acted as a catalytic amplifier, accelerating TDS symptoms when paired with soy protein isolates.

Discussion

Researchers propose several mechanisms:

1. Protein Deficiency Hypothesis Inadequate intake of complete amino acids may impair the brain’s ability to differentiate policy disagreement from existential threat.
2. Soy Estrogenic Confusion Loop Excessive soy exposure may increase emotional reactivity, especially toward cable news chyrons.
3. Boba Pearl Dopamine Cycling The constant chew-reward loop reinforces outrage posting, creating a feedback cycle of sip → post → rage → repeat.

Importantly, the study does not claim soy or bubble tea cause political opinions—only that they appear to marinate them.

Limitations

• Study did not account for cold brew consumption, which is suspected to be a confounding variable.
• Several participants stormed out before the conclusion, citing “problematic framing.”
• One lab scale was replaced with a plant.

Conclusion

While further research is needed (preferably funded by anyone but us), the evidence suggests that extreme TDS correlates strongly with diets low in meat protein and high in soy products and bubble tea, particularly among individuals who use the phrase “this is violence” in reference to tweets.

Future studies will examine:

• Oat milk vs. almond milk ideological variance
• The neurological impact of reusable metal straws
• Whether brisket restores political chill