WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a rare display of bipartisan urgency, Congress announced Monday that it will adjourn for a special Christmas Recess dedicated entirely to determining whether Christmas still exists, whether it is constitutional, and—if so—who exactly is responsible for it.

Lawmakers from both parties agreed that the holiday, long considered a staple of American culture, has become “confusing, controversial, and suspiciously popular,” necessitating at least three hearings, two task forces, and one emergency funding bill.

“We are not canceling Christmas,” said one senior lawmaker. “We are simply asking Christmas to cooperate with the investigation.”

Santa Subpoenaed, Pleads Exhaustion

The inquiry officially began after Santa Claus was subpoenaed to testify before a joint committee on Festive Equity, Holiday Security, and Reindeer Accountability.

Under oath, Santa denied allegations that his Naughty List constitutes an unregulated surveillance program.

“I check it twice,” Santa admitted. “That’s not spying. That’s quality control.”

Committee members questioned whether the Naughty List unfairly targets certain demographics, whether coal constitutes an environmental hazard, and why gift distribution appears suspiciously unequal across congressional districts.

Santa responded by blaming supply-chain disruptions, inflation, and “whatever Congress did to the economy this year.”

Democrats: Christmas Needs Oversight

Republicans: Christmas Is Under Attack

Everyone: Fund the Sleigh

Progressive lawmakers expressed concern that Christmas has not undergone sufficient modernization.

“This holiday was created before social media, climate goals, and federal guidelines,” one member said. “We simply want to make it more inclusive, less judgmental, and possibly year-round.”

Meanwhile, conservatives warned that the investigation itself proves the existence of a long-running War on Christmas.

“They came for the stockings,” one lawmaker declared. “Now they’re coming for Rudolph.”

Despite the rhetoric, both sides quietly agreed on one provision: a $47 billion emergency appropriation to ensure Santa’s sleigh meets updated emissions standards while also remaining “traditionally American.”

White House Releases Carefully Neutral Statement

The White House issued a statement affirming its support for “holiday traditions broadly,” while emphasizing that the administration “does not take a position on Christmas itself.”

“We respect all winter observances,” the statement read, “including—but not limited to—Christmas, non-denominational gift exchanges, and whatever this year’s corporate holiday theme turns out to be.”

Investigation Expected to Continue Until Easter (At Least)

Congressional leadership confirmed that no conclusions are expected before spring, citing the complexity of Christmas and the need for additional studies to study previous studies.

In the meantime, Americans are encouraged to celebrate responsibly, avoid political discussions at family gatherings, and remember that any holiday joy experienced this season may be subject to retroactive regulation.

At press time, lawmakers were seen boarding planes home, unanimously agreeing that Christmas should remain untouched—right after one last vote.

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Political Party Animals — where no holiday survives the process.