WASHINGTON, D.C. — Political chaos erupted Tuesday after an anonymous whistleblower leaked portions of Santa Claus’s Naughty List, prompting immediate accusations of voter suppression, list manipulation, and holiday interference from both major parties.

Within minutes of the leak, lawmakers who had spent the year insisting Santa was either imaginary or under federal investigation suddenly demanded transparency, audits, and a special counsel.

“This list raises serious questions,” one member said. “Why were my donors marked naughty while my opponent’s entire district somehow landed on the Nice List?”

Democrats: Naughty List Lacks Oversight

Republicans: Naughty List Is Rigged

Santa: “You All Yelled at Me All Year”

Progressives criticized the list for lacking diversity metrics and community input.

“There’s no appeals process, no equity review, and no guarantee the list reflects lived experiences,” one lawmaker complained. “Also, coal is not trauma-informed.”

Conservatives accused Santa of weaponizing the North Pole bureaucracy.

“This is classic holiday election interference,” another lawmaker said. “I’ve been good. Tremendously good. Ask anyone.”

Emergency Hearings Scheduled, Gifts Delayed

Congressional leadership immediately announced emergency hearings titled “Safeguarding Democratic Access to Christmas.”

Santa, reached for comment, appeared exhausted.

“I deliver toys,” he said. “I don’t run elections. I don’t even live here.”

Still, lawmakers demanded:

• A full audit of the Naughty/Nice algorithm
• Observer access for reindeer
• Paper backups for stockings
• And assurances that chimneys remain equally accessible

White House Calls for Calm, Blames Misinformation

The White House urged Americans not to jump to conclusions based on “out-of-context holiday documents,” warning that disinformation actors often exploit festive confusion.

“Christmas is resilient,” the statement said. “But democracy is fragile. Also, please stop yelling at the tree.”

Santa Considers Early Retirement

At press time, Santa was reportedly considering outsourcing gift delivery, citing burnout, litigation risk, and the realization that no good deed goes un-subpoenaed.

Americans were reminded that gifts may arrive late this year due to investigations, recounts, and a pending injunction filed by elves.

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