(A Parody of “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”)

All I want for Christmas is more outrage,
More outrage, more outrage.
All I want for Christmas is more outrage,
So I can yell at Donald Trump.

No bills to pass, no plans to sell,
No calm debate or nuance to tell.
Just find a mic, inhale with might,
And act like democracy ends tonight.

All I want for Christmas is more outrage,
More outrage, more outrage.
All I want for Christmas is more outrage,
Preferably by noon on cable news.

I don’t need eggnog, peace, or cheer,
I need a chyron screaming fear.
A stern face, a finger point,
A press release that’s joint disjoint.

Santa can keep the toys and socks,
Just give me Trump and talking blocks.
If he sneezes, tweets, or ties a shoe,
I’ll call it “reckless” and “untrue.”

All I want for Christmas is more outrage,
More outrage, more outrage.
All I want for Christmas is more outrage,
So I can scowl in HD view.

Some kids want bikes, some want sleds,
I want headlines living rent-free in my head.
While others sleep through silent nights,
I rehearse fury under studio lights.

And if Trump did absolutely nothing at all,
I’d warn the nation we’re bound to fall.
Because outrage waits for no delay—
Not weekends, holidays, or Christmas Day.

So here’s to Chris Van Hollen, fists clenched tight,
Broadcasting rage through the snow-filled night.
As bells ring peace and choirs unite,
He clears his throat for another fight.

All I want for Christmas is more outrage,
More outrage, more outrage.
All I want for Christmas is more outrage—

🎄 Because nothing says “holiday spirit” like a fresh Trump statement to yell about.