America’s Two-Front War: One at Sea, One in Sacramento

By Stanley Footnote | Political Party Animals

In a move that thrilled defense contractors, naval historians, and anyone who enjoys a good steel-gray silhouette slicing through the ocean, Donald Trump announced plans to commission a new class of U.S. Navy destroyers reportedly bearing his name.

The “Trump-class destroyers,” according to supporters, will be big, loud, unapologetic, and extremely expensive—much like everything else Trump prefers. These ships are designed to project American power abroad, bristling with missiles, radar systems, and enough firepower to make adversaries reconsider their life choices.

Not to be outdone, California Governor Gavin Newsom responded swiftly—by commissioning a fleet of his own.

Not ships. Bills.

The Newsom-Class Legislative Fleet

Within hours of Trump’s announcement, Newsom unveiled what aides are calling a “comprehensive, values-driven legislative armada” aimed squarely at California’s remaining economic stability.

Dubbed the Newsom-class bills, this fleet features:

• The Small Business Neutralization Act – Ensures entrepreneurs never again suffer the burden of profitability.
• The Cost of Living Acceleration Initiative – Designed to push housing, fuel, and grocery prices into exciting new dimensions.
• The Mandatory Compliance Expansion Bill – Because if a regulation exists somewhere in the world, California should adopt it—plus add a task force.
• The Investor Deterrence Act – Encourages companies to relocate by creating a hostile business climate they simply can’t refuse.

While Trump’s destroyers are meant to defend the nation from foreign threats, Newsom’s bills are laser-focused on a more personal enemy: affordability.

Different Theaters, Same Ambition

Trump’s destroyers will patrol the world’s oceans, projecting American dominance and occasionally hosting ribbon-cutting ceremonies with oversized scissors.

Newsom’s legislative fleet, meanwhile, will patrol Sacramento, relentlessly targeting:

• Employers with payrolls
• Homeowners with equity
• Drivers with gasoline
• Anyone foolish enough to check their electric bill

Political analysts note the symmetry. Trump favors hard power—steel, missiles, deterrence. Newsom prefers soft power—fees, mandates, and 300-page bill texts nobody reads until it’s too late.

Mission Accomplished (Depending on the Mission)

Supporters of Trump argue the destroyers send a clear message to America’s rivals: Don’t mess with us.

Supporters of Newsom counter that his bills send an equally clear message to Californians: You should really consider Nevada.

Critics say the governor’s approach is bold, innovative, and remarkably consistent—California may not be able to afford groceries, but at least it will lead the nation in virtue signaling per capita.

Final Assessment

At the end of the day, America gets new warships. California gets new paperwork.

Trump commissions destroyers to dominate the seas.
Newsom commissions legislation to dominate the middle class.

Both leaders insist they are saving the future.

Only one of them is sinking something on purpose—and it’s not the ships.