By Elle Footnote | North Pole Policy Desk

For centuries, Santa Claus enforced moral order with a simple, carbon-based deterrent: coal. Misbehave, and you’d wake up Christmas morning to a stocking that doubled as a geological survey. The message was clear, the punishment symbolic, and the energy density impressive.

But times have changed.

According to leaked memos from the North Pole (obtained via a highly placed elf with a Substack), Santa has officially phased out coal. This Christmas, bad children across the world will no longer receive a lump of anthracite. Instead, they’ll find something far worse under the tree: a windmill. Or, in severe cases, a full residential solar panel starter kit.

“It’s about sustainability,” Santa explained at a recent press conference held somewhere between Greenland and a climate summit. “Coal sends the wrong message. We want consequences that are educational, not extractive.”

A Kinder, Gentler Punishment

Under the new policy, children who lied, cheated, skipped chores, or posted inflammatory takes on family group chats will wake up to:

• A 12-foot backyard wind turbine (assembly required)
• A stack of solar panels with instructions written in bureaucratic English
• A pamphlet titled ‘Your Carbon Footprint: A Journey’
• A note from Santa reading, “You did this to yourself.”

Parents report mixed reactions.

“My son was hoping for a PlayStation,” said one exhausted father in Ohio. “Instead, Santa brought him renewable infrastructure and a zoning problem.”

Another parent noted that the windmill “technically works,” but only when it’s windy, not raining, not snowing, and not connected to the grid—conditions experts say are “ideal” in theory.

The Elf Union Weighs In

Behind the scenes, Santa’s workshop has undergone its own green transition. Elves now operate under a Net-Zero Toy Production Mandate, which means fewer plastic toys and more ethically sourced disappointment.

“We used to make trains,” said one elf, speaking anonymously. “Now we make instructional diagrams explaining why the windmill doesn’t spin.”

The Elf Union supported the change, citing long-term planetary health, though several members admitted they miss the simplicity of coal.

“Coal was easy,” one elf sighed. “You just grabbed it and moved on. Solar panels require inventory management.”

Reactions from the Naughty Children

The response from children has been swift and brutal.

TikTok videos show kids staring silently at boxes labeled ‘Inverter Not Included’. Others ask difficult questions like, “Why does Santa hate me?” and “Is this a lesson or a punishment?”

One particularly devastated 10-year-old was overheard saying, “I would’ve preferred coal. At least coal doesn’t need maintenance.”

Santa Stands Firm

Despite the backlash, Santa insists the policy is here to stay.

“Coal was symbolic,” he said. “This is experiential.”

He added that next year’s punishments may escalate further, including:

• Mandatory composting kits
• Electric vehicles without charging infrastructure
• A personal carbon offset subscription billed monthly to the parents

“Christmas is about giving,” Santa concluded. “And sometimes, what you give is a lesson wrapped in federal tax credits.”

So this year, if your child wakes up disappointed, staring at a sleek but nonfunctional piece of renewable technology in the snow, remember: it’s not punishment.

It’s progress.