This must be satire, right?

By Michael Phillips

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what can only be described as the most surgically bizarre twist in American politics, Democrats are reportedly shifting their focus from “gender-affirming care for minors” to an even more noble frontier: “citizenship-affirming care” for illegal immigrants.

Yes, you heard that right. According to top progressive strategists (and three interns on TikTok), if someone “feels” like an American, then by golly, it’s time we make it official — with a scalpel, a surgeon, and a signed voter registration form.

Legal Citizenship? Just One Operation Away

“We’ve come to realize that borders are a social construct,” said Rep. Kandyce Feelfeels (D–CA), who introduced the new Citizenship-Affirming Medical Equity Act (CAMEA). “If we’re willing to provide surgeries to help someone align with their gender identity, shouldn’t we also help migrants align with their national identity? This is basic empathy.”

The proposed procedure, dubbed “Transnational Reassignment Surgery” (TRS), reportedly involves implanting a microchip of the Constitution into the recipient’s shoulder, tattooing “USA #1” on the left rib cage, and performing a symbolic red-white-and-blue blood transfusion.

It’s unclear what any of that accomplishes, but The New York Times already awarded it 4.5 woke points.

Wait, What Happened to the Kids?

Some conservatives are asking the obvious question: “Didn’t the Democrats just abandon their crusade for underage gender surgeries?”

Apparently, yes. In a shocking about-face, Democratic leaders in blue states like California and New York have started whispering things like, “maybe sterilizing 13-year-olds isn’t great optics heading into an election year.” Instead, they’ve pivoted to a more unifying cause — surgically rebranding illegal immigrants as citizens.

Because nothing says compassion like nationality reassignment in a sterile hospital room.

GOP Scratches Heads (and Laws)

Republicans, stunned and confused, have convened emergency task forces to figure out how this new “legalizing surgery” works.

“We thought this was satire,” said Sen. Josh Flatstone (R–TX), “but then we saw a bill co-sponsored by Bernie Sanders, AOC, and the ghost of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Apparently, it’s real.”

One confused conservative aide asked, “So does this mean we’ll have to recognize someone’s lived nationality now? Like if Pablo identifies as Patrick from Peoria, we hand him a passport and a Subway gift card?”

Coming Soon: Post-National Pronouns

Progressive activists are already pushing for post-national pronouns like “Usa/Usaself” and “Statizen/Statizenself.” There’s also an emerging debate about allowing newly affirmed “TransAmericans” to immediately run for Congress — because if they feel American, who are we to gatekeep democracy?

Meanwhile, concerned citizens are left wondering what’s next. Country-affirming surgeries for Canadians? Emotional support visas for climate refugees? Reverse-deportation therapy?

Don’t ask questions, bigot.

Final Thought

If you thought American politics couldn’t get any more absurd, buckle up. In 2025, citizenship may no longer be a matter of law, oath, or process — it may just be a matter of how you feel… and a little snip here and there.

Stay tuned for the next phase of progress — brain-chip installed empathy classes for Republicans and a Reparations for Imaginary Borders movement near you.