BREAKING: Sources confirm widespread panic today as America’s Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) system collapsed overnight, leaving thousands of judges wandering courthouse halls, confused, muttering, and clutching their old mediation manuals like emotional support blankets.
Eyewitnesses report scenes of utter chaos:
“One judge was just sitting in his robe on the courtroom floor, rocking back and forth, whispering ‘but where is the settlement conference?!’ over and over,” said one court clerk who asked to remain anonymous for fear of judicial retaliation.
Across the country, emergency therapy tents have been set up outside courthouses to help judges cope with the devastating loss of their favorite tool: not having to know or apply actual law.
What Happened?
The ADR collapse came after sweeping reforms banned the forced diversion of cases into mediation, parenting coordination, “conciliation services,” and all other alternative processes designed to avoid constitutional trials.
Without ADR, judges were abruptly required to:
- Hold real trials.
- Apply constitutional rights.
- Consider burdens of proof.
- Rule based on actual admissible evidence.
This sudden exposure to the Constitution proved too much for many.
Scenes from the Frontlines
In Los Angeles:
- A family court judge reportedly tried to turn a First Amendment motion into a “team-building exercise.”
- Another demanded the litigants “express their feelings through interpretive dance” because “that’s how we used to resolve things.”
In Montgomery County, Maryland:
- Multiple judges attempted to create “emergency settlement sessions” with no parties present.
- One was overheard muttering, “I don’t know how to rule without a parenting coordinator telling me who the bad guy is.”
In New York:
- A group of judges held a candlelight vigil for “the death of discretion without due process.”
- Therapy dogs have been brought into courthouses to comfort judges during hearings.
Fake Quotes from Judges
“How am I supposed to decide a case without a 200-page custody evaluation to tell me who to punish?” — Judge, California
“I thought the Constitution was just a suggestion! Nobody told me it was mandatory!” — Judge, Maryland
“I’m not a lawyer. I’m a feelings facilitator! I didn’t sign up for evidence!” — Judge, New York
“Wait, you mean parents actually have rights? Since when?!” — Judge, Florida
“I haven’t ruled on an objection since law school. Send help. And a latte.” — Judge, Illinois
Lawyers Not Doing Much Better
Family law attorneys, long accustomed to herding clients into ADR cattle drives, are also struggling. Witnesses report attorneys wandering aimlessly around courthouses carrying Starbucks cups, whispering “But where is the GAL report? Where are the settlement fees?”
Some have formed support groups titled “I Was Told There Would Be No Trials” and “How Do I File a Motion Again?”
Official Response
In a statement, the National Judicial Association (NJA) declared:
“We demand immediate access to therapy, emotional support gavel-warmers, and government-subsidized Conflict Resolution Emotional Recovery Programs (CRERPs). Judges cannot be expected to perform trials without years of gradual adjustment and regular back rubs.”
They have also requested “emergency mediation retreats” in Maui, Florida, and Aspen — for therapeutic purposes, of course.
The Road Ahead
Experts warn that without massive retraining, many judges and lawyers may never recover. Retraining would involve:
- Reading actual case law.
- Understanding burdens of proof.
- Applying due process standards.
- Accepting that “because I feel like it” is not a legal basis for judgment.
In the meantime, observers recommend citizens bring copies of the Bill of Rights to court, just in case their judge starts hyperventilating when someone says “objection, hearsay.”
Stay tuned as America navigates the Great ADR Collapse of 2025 — and the epic therapy bills that follow.
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