MONTGOMERY COUNTY, MD — In a tragic tale of hubris, felt, and unrelenting gridlock, satirical clown lawyer and part-time county executive hopeful Mr. Wiggles found himself trapped for seven hours on the American Legion Bridge, after foolishly attempting to cross it during peak rush hour with nothing but a kazoo, a GPS that only speaks in riddles, and a sack of balloon animals.

“I thought I could beat traffic with whimsy,” said a deflated Mr. Wiggles, still visibly shaken and covered in Cheeto dust. “Turns out I brought a clown nose to a civil engineering failure.”

The Setup: A Puppet with a Plan

The ordeal began around 3:47 p.m. on a Tuesday, when Mr. Wiggles—fresh off a court appearance involving confetti-related contempt—decided to take his 1993 Geo Metro across the American Legion Bridge en route to a “Pro-Puppet Rights” fundraiser in Tysons Corner.

“I saw a gap on Waze. I thought it was real,” Wiggles sighed. “But it was just a momentary illusion caused by a guy sneezing on his phone.”

47 Feet in 2 Hours: The Journey Begins

At approximately 4:03 p.m., Mr. Wiggles merged onto the outer loop of the Beltway, waved merrily to an MTA traffic cam, and promptly stopped moving. For the next two hours, his only progress came from inching forward one clown shoe-length every 18 minutes.

To pass the time, Wiggles juggled oranges, recited Miranda rights to passing cicadas, and attempted to calm a toddler in a nearby Subaru by offering a balloon poodle. The child screamed and threw it out the window.

Clown Car Meltdown

By 6:12 p.m., witnesses report that Mr. Wiggles began hallucinating, claiming the bridge was “a metaphor for America” and that the traffic cones were “watching him with judgmental little faces.” He attempted to convene a neighborhood council among other stranded drivers, but they rejected his proposal to replace EZ-Pass with “Honk-To-Pay” lanes.

The turning point came when his clown car’s cassette player got stuck on loop playing “99 Red Balloons.” After the 46th balloon, Mr. Wiggles screamed:

“IF I HAD A REAL BODY I’D WALK INTO THE POTOMAC!”

Rescue and Road Rage

The crisis ended around 8:30 p.m., when traffic began moving because—spoiler alert—there was no accident. Just Maryland and Virginia being locked in their eternal infrastructure cold war.

Mr. Wiggles finally crossed into Virginia, only to be immediately cut off by a Lexus doing 92 mph with a “Coexist” bumper sticker.

Upon arrival in Tysons, he was informed that the fundraiser had been rescheduled due to “excessive clown presence.”

A Harsh Lesson in Transportation Policy

Mr. Wiggles has since vowed never to attempt the bridge again without aerial support or a teleportation device. In a tearful press conference held in a Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot, he proposed a radical traffic solution:

“We need a clown lane. Not a HOV lane. A HONK lane. One honk per car. If you can’t honk like a maniac, you don’t belong on the Beltway.”

He also demanded Maryland and Virginia construct a second bridge, ideally made of bounce house material, and operated exclusively by jugglers.

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Final Thought:
As one commuter put it:

“I thought I’d seen it all. But then a puppet lawyer started sobbing into his bowtie on the shoulder. And somehow, that still wasn’t the weirdest thing I saw today.”

The American Legion Bridge: Where dreams go to die… slowly, and in alphabetical order.