Where potholes multiply, taxes skyrocket, and every problem is solved with a resolution, task force, or rainbow flag.
Welcome to Montgomery County, Marylandâa place where lawn signs are a political strategy, tweets count as public service, and the roads may be crumbling but our moral high ground is paved and freshly painted.
While other jurisdictions govern, Montgomery County emotes. It’s not about doing the right thingâitâs about being seen doing something that sounds like the right thing⌠ideally in a press release that gets retweeted by your former high school social studies teacher.
đ Resolutions R Us
Why fix zoning when we can denounce global injustice from our Bethesda townhomes?
The Montgomery County Council has bravely passed over 38 resolutions this year alone on issues ranging from foreign military conflicts to gender-neutral bike lanes on Mars. Sure, our constituents might be waiting six months for a building permit or sitting in traffic for three hours to go five milesâbut hey, we just condemned transphobia in Slovenia! Progress!
đłď¸âđ Diversity by Design (As Long as You Can Afford It)
We support affordable housingâjust not here, God forbid.
Montgomery County officials will weep with joy over equity and inclusion at every Pride flag unveiling while quietly rejecting every mixed-income housing development proposed within six blocks of a Whole Foods. We’re all for diversity, as long as it doesn’t reduce property values or share the school district with those kids.
đ° Taxation With Moral Justification
MoCoâs unofficial motto: If you care, you wonât mind paying for it.
Whether itâs a climate tax, a plastic bag tax, a sugar tax, or a proposed tax on negative vibes (pilot program coming to Takoma Park), Montgomery Countyâs leadership understands that the best way to prove your ethics is to bury them in line-item budgets. Canât afford gas or groceries? Donât worryâyouâre subsidizing an âequity analysis fellowshipâ that will conclude what we already knew: privilege is bad.
đ Transit Theater: Now Showingâ”The Purple Line, Eventually”
Want to get across the county? We recommend hope and prayer.
Despite over a billion dollars in budget and decades of planning, our beloved Purple Line is still more of a bedtime story than a reality. But at every groundbreaking ceremony, thereâs a rainbow-colored hard hat and a quote about “access and justice” for communities that have, conveniently, already been displaced.
đ Plastic Straw-Free, Bureaucracy-Full
You may not be able to find a recycling bin, but by God, you will be judged for using the wrong kind of takeout container. MoCo banned plastic straws years ago to save the environment, then paved over a nature reserve to build a government data center powered by diesel backups and good intentions.
And letâs not forget: our commitment to climate justice means installing bike lanes on roads no one bikes on, all while eliminating bus routes for working-class commuters.
đ Education, Indoctrination, or Performance Art?
Yes.
Our school board has boldly stepped forward to ensure that every 5th grader can recite the correct terminology for their classmatesâ emotional support gender unicornsâmeanwhile, half the students still canât read at grade level. But donât you dare question this. Doing so might result in a letter from the Equity Compliance Task Force and a mandatory âRe-Training for Re-Thinkersâ Zoom series.
𧟠Clean Hands, Empty Hands
Montgomery County doesnât solve problemsâwe curate them.
Crime? Homelessness? Family court injustice? Eh, those are downstream issues. Weâre upstream, printing posters and writing grant proposals. Weâre the kings and queens of policy cosplayâfull-time do-gooder aesthetics with part-time results. And if youâre not clapping, well⌠you probably hate progress.
đ Blown Away by Our Principles
Yes, Montgomery County banned gas-powered leaf blowers. Why? Because we care.
Not about your lawn, of courseâthatâs your problem. We care about sound pollution. And vibes. So we passed a law ensuring that no landscaper, retiree, or teenager trying to earn $20 can operate a gas-powered leaf blower without being hunted down by the Sustainability Enforcement Unit⢠(SEU) in matching Patagonia vests.
The electric replacements? Sure, theyâre twice as expensive, less powerful, and last approximately seven minutes per charge. But what they lack in function, they make up for in moral superiority.
Bonus: We celebrated the ban with a ribbon-cutting ceremony powered by diesel generators.
đ A County Unlike Any Other
In MoCo, we donât fix. We feel. We donât mow lawns, we ban engines. We donât empower familiesâwe powerwash them with policy.
So next time you’re stuck in traffic behind a broken-down electric bus reading a âCOEXISTâ bumper sticker in four languages, just smile. You’re in Montgomery County, Marylandâwhere appearances matter, and everything else is a footnote in a 38-page equity report no one reads.
We may not have functioning infrastructure, competent schools, or affordable living, but by God, we will die on the hill of symbolic legislation.
And weâll do it leaf-blower free.
Final Thoughts:
Montgomery County has finally claimed its rightful throne as the Virtue Signaling Capital of the Worldâ˘. While others lead, we lecture. While others do, we declare. We donât need solutionsâjust slogans. And if that doesnât work, donât worry⌠thereâs a task force for that.
Political Party Animals 