BETHESDA, MD — In what many are calling both a bold political move and a cry for help, beloved legal clown puppet and recently disbarred courtroom jester Mr. Wiggles has officially announced his candidacy for Montgomery County Executive, seeking the GOP nomination in 2026.
Mr. Wiggles made his announcement in front of a confused audience at the Montgomery County Council chamber, arriving in a tiny clown car stuffed with unpaid legal interns and glittery constitutional scrolls. As he emerged, the puppet declared via kazoo:
“Enough clowning around from the opposition. It’s time to put an actual clown in charge.”
Platform Highlights
Flanked by a balloon animal security detail, Mr. Wiggles unveiled his campaign slogan:
“Justice, Joy, and Juggling for All.”
He then bounced through his three-point platform:
- Ban Boring Bureaucrats: All council meetings will now feature strobe lights and trapdoors for anyone saying “fiscal responsibility” without juggling pins.
- Affordable Balloon Animals: A “balloon for every child” initiative that doubles as an infrastructure plan.
- Court Reform via Whoopee Cushion Oversight: Every judge will be monitored by a fart-sound-emitting cushion until further notice.
GOP Reaction: “Finally, Someone Normal”
Though the Maryland GOP has not officially endorsed Mr. Wiggles, several county party operatives were seen whispering, “Honestly, at this point, why not?”
One anonymous source added:
“We tried lawyers, doctors, real estate developers. They all lost. The Democrats keep nominating performance artists. Wiggles has actual stage experience.”
Indeed, his prior work includes:
- Representing fathers in family court (with limited success, mostly involving confetti)
- Surviving 17 contempt hearings (12 of which he turned into interpretive dance routines)
- Serving briefly as Deputy Assistant Balloon Bender at Chuck E. Cheese in Gaithersburg
Meet the Democratic Field: Wiggles’ Clown Rivals
Wiggles wasted no time taking shots at his opponents, all of whom are currently serving on the County Council:
- Andrew Friedson (District 1) – Described by Wiggles as “an overcaffeinated accountant with a PowerPoint addiction.”
- Evan Glass (At-Large) – Dismissed by Mr. Wiggles as “a man who once tried to pass a bill banning confetti indoors.”
- Will Jawando (At-Large) – Labeled by the puppet as “a well-spoken policy wonk with suspiciously few balloon animal skills.”
Wiggles’ campaign also released a parody debate poster titled:
“The Clown Car’s Full, But I Brought My Own Horn.”
Puppet or Patriot?
Critics question Mr. Wiggles’ qualifications, noting that he technically doesn’t meet the residency requirement, doesn’t pay taxes, and has never voted.
“I identify as a taxpayer,” Wiggles replied at a press conference, “and my residence is wherever the court refuses to listen.”
He then attempted to filibuster a reporter’s follow-up question with 15 minutes of mime.
Early Polling Shock
Despite being made of felt and stuffing, Mr. Wiggles polled at 13% among undecided voters, narrowly ahead of a literal sandwich and slightly behind “I’d rather move to Frederick.”
Still, supporters remain loyal.
Said one father at a Germantown rally:
“He may be a puppet, but at least he’s not pretending to care about me just to raise child support quotas.”
Final Word from the Campaign Trail
In closing remarks, Mr. Wiggles honked twice, spun his bowtie, and promised:
“I will fight for the forgotten, the alienated, and the balloon-less. I’m not just the candidate Montgomery County wants — I’m the one it deserves after voting Elrich in twice.”
MoCo Voters Beware: The 2026 election is shaping up to be the wildest clown show yet — and Mr. Wiggles is driving the tiny car straight to the executive suite.
Political Party Animals 