It’s not about solving problems—it’s about looking like you care while live-tweeting your anguish in a biodegradable hemp hoodie.
Welcome to the 2025 Virtue Signaling State Rankings.
Forget GDP, literacy rates, or functioning infrastructure. That’s old news. In today’s America, the only scoreboard that matters is who can moralize the hardest while doing the least.
So buckle up, because we’re about to rank the top virtue signaling states in the Union based on performative activism, selective outrage, press release speed, and of course, sheer hashtag power.
🥇 1. California
The Michael Phelps of moral posturing.
From banning plastic straws while stepping over human feces on sidewalks, to declaring themselves a “sanctuary state” while enforcing some of the strictest zoning laws in the country (to keep those people out), California leads the way in looking progressive while accomplishing very little beyond producing fires and Netflix deals.
Top Move: Passing laws to mandate diversity on corporate boards—then exempting themselves when they fail to meet them.
🥈 2. New York
The city never sleeps, mostly because it’s drafting new guidelines for inclusive bagel labeling.
Whether it’s lighting the Empire State Building with the colors of the latest global cause while local subways flood and rats elect their own mayor, New York has perfected the art of “look over there!” politics. Bonus points for the Governor tweeting about equity while real estate billionaires buy up entire neighborhoods.
Top Move: Replacing Columbus Day with Indigenous Peoples Day while still charging Native Americans tax on cigarettes.
🥉 3. Massachusetts
Because nothing says moral authority like Harvard trust funds.
This is the state where people hold fundraisers for climate change in beach houses built during the Industrial Revolution and smugly ask, “Have you read The Atlantic lately?” while ignoring the fact that their state constitution still kind of sounds like it was written by someone who wanted to own land and feel superior about it.
Top Move: Condemning systemic racism while making it impossible for anyone under 40 (and not named Chadwick III) to afford a home in Cambridge.
🏅 Honorable Mention: Maryland
The gold standard in symbolic governance.
Between the obsession with Chesapeake Bay cleanup projects that never seem to clean anything, and politicians who spend more time issuing statements about global injustice than fixing local school HVAC systems, Maryland is the state version of a LinkedIn post about “emotional labor.”
Top Move: Hosting “climate resilience” conferences on state-funded yachts while lecturing working-class families about their gas stoves.
🏴☠️ Dark Horse: Oregon
Where governance is replaced by murals and microbrews.
Why fix the drug crisis when you can create an interactive art piece about it? Why enforce laws when you can host a community dialogue in a tipi-shaped city planning office? Portland alone deserves its own category for being the only city where people riot over fascism and then complain to Yelp about gluten-free options.
Top Move: Decriminalizing everything except wrong opinions.
🤡 Participation Trophy: Washington, D.C.
Not a state, but still deserves mention for being the world’s biggest Instagram filter for democracy.
Every virtue signal known to man is beta-tested here—often in the same tweet where a politician decries income inequality while wearing a $4,000 suit and sipping a lobbyist-funded espresso.
Top Move: Painting “Black Lives Matter” on a street while rejecting police reform bills behind closed doors.
Final Thoughts:
The race to look good has never been tighter. While potholes expand and public trust implodes, we can all rest easy knowing our leaders are engaged in the highest calling of public service: branding themselves as saviors while outsourcing the consequences.
So here’s to the Great American Virtue Olympics. Gold medals for everyone. Especially if it polls well.
Political Party Animals 