ANNAPOLIS, MD – Maryland Governor Wes Moore, beloved motivational speaker and part-time governor, dazzled audiences this week with his latest attempt at arithmetic, announcing that his administration had “saved taxpayers billions” by cutting a handful of redundant government brochures—right before slapping them with the Invisible Item Fee, Narrative Transportation Levy, and the highly controversial Once-Upon-a-Time Sales Tax.

“Yes, Marylanders are paying more than ever,” Moore beamed at a podium shaped like a calculator that only shows positive numbers. “But that’s only because we’re helping them understand the value of money. It’s like a financial vision quest.”

Moore’s math—described by one analyst as “inspired by Disney, detoured through Oz, and finalized in Narnia”—relies on the groundbreaking fiscal principle of Subtractive Addition, a budget tactic in which removing $500K from a department’s snack fund is counted as a $5 billion taxpayer windfall, especially if you add 14 new fines somewhere else.

The Governor’s Greatest Hits of “Savings” Include:

• A new ‘Digital Air Fee’: Because using Wi-Fi technically means you’re “consuming state atmospheric bandwidth.”
• A 6% ‘Implied Possession Tax’: For any object that “you might own in the future.” Thinking about buying a boat? That’s $300 upfront, just in case.
• The ‘Noncompliance Imagination Penalty’: If state systems think you might be noncompliant with something, anything, even in a dream, you’ll be billed.
• A Unicorn Waste Disposal Fee: Allegedly tied to a mythical manure management program for “emerging equine threats in fantasy-based counties.”

Despite these “creative contributions,” Moore insists Marylanders are thriving. “The average family is saving over $9,000 annually in theoretical cost-avoidance!” he said, citing a spreadsheet hand-written by a 12-year-old TikTok economist. “You could be paying more somewhere else, so really, you’re welcome.”

Meanwhile, Maryland drivers are still wondering why there’s now a Standing Vehicle Inactivity Surcharge for being stuck on I-495 for 45 minutes. “Apparently, my car was ‘loitering in a public resource corridor,’” said a Montgomery County resident. “And they charged me per tire.”

Environmentalists were also surprised to discover the new Rain Tax 2.0, which now applies to emotional rainfall in movies watched on state broadband. “Every tear shed during The Notebook on a Maryland ISP now triggers a $1.75 surcharge to help combat ‘sentimental runoff.’”

Critics say Moore’s budget math is “a masterclass in fiction,” with several suspecting that his calculators only work when submerged in government grant money. But Moore’s team remains proud.

“We’re building a Maryland where everyone can succeed,” a spokesperson explained, “as long as they don’t mind selling a kidney to register their kayak.”

As of press time, the Governor was proposing a new Existence Fee—a $25 annual tax for simply being alive in the state.

When asked whether Marylanders would finally see real relief, Moore smiled and said, “Absolutely. We’ve commissioned a new task force to study the idea of relief. Their first report is due in 2029. That’s progress.”